Thursday, February 4, 2016

Today's Depression

I don't pretend to know what serious depression is. I won't lie and say that I do. But that's not to say I don't fight my own demons. 

One of those days. 

Sometimes the darkness outweighs the sunshine; today is one of those days. It's a combination of things really that's caused it today. 

If I was talking to one of my kids about being depressed I might say something like life is what you make it, or something like, this too shall pass. But my psycho babble bullshit doesn't work on me, I know to much. Hell, it probably doesn't wok on them either truth be told. 

It's lunchtime and I shove a double cheeseburger and fries down my throat, I'll regret it later, but for now it helps. Today, my body aches and my mind is exhausted. The physical aches and pains remind me of just how far I've traveled in this lifetime. The exhaustion lets the depression in. 

I'm trying to not make this transition about me. Because it's not. But I'm selfish. I'm scared. And I'm an asshole.
I'm selfish because I sat there holding her in my arms years ago envisioning her life and how it would unfold, and it's not going that way. It's not going the way I wanted it to. 

I'm scared because of the unknown. Because I know people. Both outsiders and family don't or won't understand. 
I'm an asshole because I'm scared and selfish. 

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