Thursday, September 29, 2011

Flashback Friday...

It was the summer before 8th grade. My school would be having their annual 8th grade field trip soon. This year they would be going to Washington DC. I sooo wanted to go. Not because it was DC and the history and blah blah blah. No, I was more interested in the fact that I would be away from my parents for a week. I would be hanging with my buddies, and there would be girls. Duh why wouldn't I want to go?

Now like I said, I was about to be in the 8th grade and to me, I was the coolest dude I knew. You know everybody has a role in the click. The nerd, the jock, the guy who gets the girls, whatever it is, there are defined roles. And for me, in this click, I was the cool guy. Maybe if you talked to someone else in the group I was the loose cannon. You know there's always one of those in the click too. But anyway.

So the summer before the DC trip my mom worked out a deal with my aunt for me to mow her lawn to earn some extra cash. It seemed like a decent little way for me to work my way toward a week of freedom. Of course I wasn't free, but in my eyes it was a vacation. So I began cutting my aunts yard for 10 or 20 bucks, I really don't remember the amount. Anyway, my aunt would drive down to our house, pick me up and usually drop me back off when I was done.

Now this one particular Saturday I was home alone. My aunt was supposed to pick me up soon so I had some time to kill in an empty house......let me stop here.

If you have a 13 or 14 year old son do not leave them alone in your house if at all possible. I assure you, they will do something they're not supposed to...just in case you didn't catch that part....DON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE.

Back to my story. Now my dad was in the service back in the day so he had a few old rifles in his closet. I knew this. I knew that I wasn't supposed to mess with them. But, I also knew that my aunt wouldn't be by for a little while, so I decided to have a look see at said rifles.

I'm not a gun guy so I couldn't tell you what type they were. All I know is that you pulled back the chamber thingy where the bullet goes and pull the trigger. So there I am standing in my parents bedroom about to fire this thing. I was pretty sure there wasn't any bullets in the gun so firing one off wouldn't be a big deal. But just in case, I thought, I'll just aim at their bed.....their water bed. Yeah, I said I'd just aim at their water bed......

Now in all honesty I really thought I'd pull the trigger and it'd make a click and that'd be it. No harm no foul right?


If you've ever seen A Christmas Story then you know somewhat how I felt.
I take aim...pull the trigger back....BOOM.....

It was so loud. I immediately see the covers flutter. My ears are ringing like crazy, and my heart is pounding out of my chest. It scared the livin' crap out of me.....

OMG I just shot their bed...
I'm freakin' out. I put the gun back where I got it...What? OMG I'm deaf. I can't hear, my ears are ringing. Nice, I've shot my parents water bed and made myself deaf. OMG what am I going to tell my parents....What? Crap. I can't even hear myself think...

Now about this time my aunt pulls up into our driveway. I scurry around the house, get ready and leave with her. Scared to death of what I've just done, but I think maybe nobody will know.

The entire time I'm mowing my aunts grass I'm thinking about it. It's somewhat funny to me just because it scared me so much. It was almost rush like. A little while later my hearing returns, I finish mowing, and my aunt takes me home. I return to find my mom in the living room noticeably upset.

I ask her what's wrong, waiting for her barge of questions about what happened before I left. I'm prepared to duck and weave as I'm sure a few backhands upside the head are coming my way. I stand there patiently, maybe preparing some fabricated story in my mind, just like Ralphie.

Then she explains to me that when she got home she was doing some cleaning. She took the drawers out of her dresser and set them on her bed, and one of the corners must have punctured the bed because now it's leaking.

What? Could it be? Could I possible be off the hook? Does she really think she did it? Wait a she messing with me just to see if I'll confess?

Turns out she was completely serious. She believed she did it.....I was home free.........

Except I wasn't.

I ended up telling her the truth about what happened. Or at least about what I did, and what I believed to be the truth. We tried to put the pieces together. Did I really shoot the bed? Was there a bullet in the gun? Or did she stack to many drawers on top of the bed? 

Naturally my mom was upset with what I did, and I'm not proud of it myself, but she didn't tell my dad it was me. She took the fall. Maybe because she was afraid he'd actually kill me. And he just might have. Maybe she was just being a mom and protecting her child no matter how stupid he was.

You know, I'm not sure to this day that he knows. So just in case he happens to read this...Dad I'm sorry about the water bed back in like '86-'87.


Tell me Lifers...Ever do anything stupid that a parent covered for ya?

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Put Down the Remote

Hey Lifers...

So this evening I came home and started my usual chores...yes she has me that trained. So anyway the clowns were doing what they do when I hear the youngest say: Hotwire dot com.

Which of course led me to ask the questions of what other commercials do they know catchy little jingles to. Here's a few of the ones they came up with.

Better ingredients. Better pizza. Papa Johns

You save big money, you save big money, when you shop Menards.

H.O.T.W.I.R.E..Hotwire dot com.

We. Are. ba da bom bom bom bom.

Man....My clowns need to go outside...


Friday, September 23, 2011

The Last Meal

Hey Lifers...

So I saw today where the state of Texas will no longer grant death row inmates their last meal. You know for a long time any inmate who was facing execution could request, and receive, their last meal before being put to death.

Well it made me think. What would my last meal be? So I've put together a little list of what my last meal would be.....with a little twist.

Now I know there's no way I'd be granted my list, but heck there's no way I'd be on death row so I guess I can make it however I want. So here goes.

I'd like to have my dad's waffles. Yes that's right. When I was little every now and then my dad would make us waffles for breakfast on the weekends. Now I'm sure they weren't any better than anybody else's waffles, but they were something different, and they were from dad. Mom usually did all the cooking so for dad to make them, they were special.

I'd have my mom's cherry cheese cake. My mom make me at least one cheese cake a year. Something she's been doing since I was about six or seven years old. It's the best. I've had others, and none are close to moms.

My DW really is an awesome cook, she just doesn't do it enough. And from her I'd have the chicken rollatini that she made for me the very first time she ever cooked for me. I knew I was in love with my first bite.

I'd have my sister's pumpkin bread, because it'd remind me of when we were kids, and my grandma's apple pie.

I'd wash it all down with my aunt's sweet ice tea. Loved her tea.

So my last meal would be a combination of things that my family cooks from time to time. All these things would remind me of my life and family in my last hours. Although I'm guess if you've only got a few hours to live you probably don't need a meal to remind you of these things right? But whatev.


So tell me...what would your last meal be?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Pants are Optional...

Hey Lifers....

I walked into the living room tonight, turned the corner and this is what I see...

He's wearing a Spider Man hat, Iron Man underroos, sandles and his school 8:30 in the evening. Oh and he's holding a sword

I just looked at him...His response.....What???


Tell me Lifers...Do you have a clown that marches to a differnt drummer????

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Kitty is Sticky.....

Hey Lifers....
Sorry I've been away for a little longer than normal. My extra time in the evenings have been spent, you know, doing productive stuff. Volunteering at the homeless shelter, rescuing kittens in trees, helping old ladies cross the street.....Ok whatever. I've just been lazy.

But let me just say that when you live in complete chaos, with three clowns under the age of 10, things can get interesting.

So last night New Pet, our cat, was hanging around me, and I notice he had something sticky in his fur. Now this didn't shock me at all. I've thought since day one that it's just a matter of time before someone drops their gum on him, sticks a sucker to his tail or tries to shave him. So this really didn't phase me at all. I called the clowns into the room and ask them what's on the cats back.

Now both the girls look at me with that blank stare as to say..What???

But the boy......

He knew right away what I was talking about. Now I won't be able to do it justice, but if you've ever sat and listened to a five year old tell a story you'll know what I'm talking about. Here's his account of what exactly was stuck to New Pet:

Well the other day.....well I didn't mean to.....the other day....the other night...when i was...i didn't mean to but when i was getting....i was brushing my teeth...and i had....i tried to put.....well i got the tooth paste on my tooth brush... no wait....the tooth paste was...hold i'm just gonna start over...

Ok buddy, just tell me what happened.

Taking a deep breath:

Well, when I was getting my teeth brushed....i got tooth paste on my brush...there was tooth paste on my hand and it got on the kitty.

Very well then. Let's get ready for bed....and this time leave the cat alone. Just a typical Day in the Life.....


Leave me a comment Lifers.....

Thursday, September 15, 2011

New Phone...

Hey Lifers...

OK so the DW and I got new cell phones yesterday. You know there really is nothing like getting a new smart phone to make you feel stupid.

So if you've followed along here you pretty much know how things work around the Palace. If you haven't followed along let me explain.

See, I've said it before, my DW has a way of complaining about something in stages. First it's the occasional complaint. This fill in the blank doesn't work, or this blah, blah, blah sucks. At first is subtle and just every once in awhile. Just a little seed she's planted.

Before too long she's taken that little seed and made it grow into a strong complaint vine with deep roots. It becomes an everyday complaint that my double takin' jive can't penetrate regardless of my wisdom or antidotes. Because usually I'll try to help her fix the situation. You know by offering suggestions, or alternatives. I know, I know. I can take my suggestions and shove 'em. She doesn't want to fix this one. She wants a Neeewww one.

Next comes the final complaining stage. This I call the Loathe stage. Once the DW says she Loathes something, it means she's done with it. She's polled facebook, and we'll soon get a new one. No matter what it is. Period. And after she dropped her Blackberry on the floor last week and cracked the screen, she'd reached the Loathe stage.

Now knowing this you'd think that I would prepare better. After all, I know this stage, and I know she's going to ask me what kind I want.

What kind of coffee maker should we get? I dunno.
What kind of phone do you want? I dunno.

Both of these are legit questions to which I really didn't know, and truth be told, don't care. Mostly because I know she's going to get whatever she wants anyway.

In her defense, last week she calls me at work and says, what kind of phone do you want?
I thought we couldn't upgrade until December?
Well I talked to the lady Debbie at Verizon and she agreed to let us go ahead and upgrade now. I'm looking on line now, what kind do you want?
I don't know. Whatever. Just get me whatever you get. That's fine.

So we ended up getting the Droid 3. Of course I haven't figured it out yet, but so far it's a pretty cool phone and I think I like it much better than the BB we had.

Here's what the new phone looks like.

So tell me Lifers..What type of phone do you have, and do you like it?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Could I be Sued for this??

Hey Lifers...

Oh no. I could be in trouble. So I read this article today about a mother who is being sued by her children for bad paranting.

The jist of the article is that her children are grown and they are sueing her because of the things she did, or didn't do when they were growing up.

Now these kids in the article are a little extream, but it did make me think about my own parenting skills. So I've taken note of a few things that I've done since becoming a parent that in the end could get me 15 to life  if my clowns ever decide to sue.

1. Every once in awhile the DW will buy water jugs and bottles at the store. You know the Natural Spring Water. Yeah I refill 'em with fresh tap water and put 'em back in the fridge. They never know the difference.

2. I always give my clowns the cinnamon rolls on the outside leaving the middle one for myself.  What??? It doesn't have a hard edge.

3. I throw away McDonalds Happy Meal toys. Sometimes before they're even opened.

4. I've been known to tell them a t.v show isn't on without looking so I wouldn't have to listen to them beg to watch it.

5. I purposly wait until they're in bed before I eat ice cream.

6. They've been known to stay up late on the weekend so they'll sleep later in the morning.

7. I eat the Reese's Peanut Butter cups from their Halloween candy...And Easter baskets.... And Stockings.

Yeah, I could be in trouble....


Leave me a comment Lifers....

Saturday, September 10, 2011


Hey Lifers...

So last night I walked into our bedroom and he DW was watching a show called Celebrity Ghost Stories.

I quickly dismissed the show and moved on about my business. See my DW frequently watches shows like this and Paranormal State. Shows that people claim they've had experiences with the dead.  Maybe she's hoping a half naked Patrick Swayze will show up and make her a clay vase or something. I guess I'd have to buy her some flowers if that happened? Wait....maybe that's her way of telling me to buy her some flowers? Hmm, whatever?

Anyway, I mentioned that I quickly dismissed the show, I think because part of me doesn't believe in ghosts. So today I gotta know.

Do you believe in Ghosts? Do you believe that spirits live among us knocking over lamps and making clay vases? And if you do answer me this. Why don't they do my dishes or laundry? Why do they only hang around to scare us? Where have all the Casper's gone?


So tell me Lifers...Do you believe in Ghosts?

Thursday, September 8, 2011

This is why you shouldn't text and drive

Hey Lifers...

So over the years the DW and I have had... lets say... our differences, regarding the cleanliness of our vehicles.

And when I say differences I mean, I like to have mine clean, and she doesn't.

Well, it's not that she doesn't like to have van clean, she just doesn't like to do it herself, and in all fairness, I'm not a clean freak about my car, I just like to keep the inside free of trash.

Now through the years, I've given her plenty of crap about her van being a mess, and yesterday was no different.

I'm taking the clowns, ninjas to karate practice and her van is a mess. I'm talking grease fire here. I won't go into details, but Oscar called and said he wanted his trash can back.

So on our way I noticed that she left a gallon of milk in the van from her earlier trip to the store. So I text her.

Let me just say that before you send a text that reads:

Hey dork you left a gallon of milk in your not fit to sit in dirty stinky ASS van.

You make sure you send it to the correct person......and for crying out loud don't send it to your mom.

Nuff said......


Tell me Lifers...You ever sent a text to the wrong person that you wish you hadn't?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Pre-School Day 1

Hey Lifers...

So today was a pretty exciting day here at the Palace. Mini-me started Pre-School today. Here he is this morning getting ready to go. 

I love that little clown.

 He called me later this afternoon and let me know that he had fun. He got to color, cut, do a puzzle, and go outside for recess. And just for the record, there are no cute girls in class.

I gotta feeling that will change as time goes on.


Saturday, September 3, 2011

Man I need a Life...

Hey Lifers....

So it turns out that there were two significant events in my day yesterday, and unfortunately both of them evolved around poop. OK maybe significant is not exactly the right word to use here, but I have no life. I know gross and sad huh? But hey just like the book says, Everybody Poops.

So were driving down the road last night on the way home from our usual Friday night dinner, grocery shopping extravaganza, when the DW and I both smell something foul. The clowns were asleep in the back seat so I was pretty sure it was something outside.

A few minutes go by and the DW says something like eeww gross, to which I reply, yeah that's pretty nasty. A few seconds later she looks at me and says. Was that you

Because of the magnitude of the smell, I'm not sure if I should be offended or proud?

But that can not possibly top this.

So yesterday I'm at work and I have to do the dreaded Number 2. Not something I want to do at this place, but hey when you gotta go you gotta go right?

Anyway I'm in there doing my business, and in walks somebody else. He sits down and fumbles around for a few minutes. Then out of nowhere I the opening of a pop can....Pssshhh.

What? Are you kidding me? Some tard actually brought a Coke into the men's bathroom? And opened it? And is now drinking it?

I don't even like to breathe in there, let alone drink something. I could understand it if this was your own house, but you're in the MEN'S ROOM AT WORK. Do you know what kind of cooties linger in here?

Perhaps you didn't read my Office Memo awhile back? Or perhaps you're just an idiot? What's next, save a little time by combining lunch with your trips to the can?

C'mon Man.


Leave me a comment Lifers..

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Office Spicoli

Hey Lifers...

So if you're a regular follower of A Day in the Life, and quite frankly I'm not sure why you wouldn't be, then you know that recently I changed jobs at work.

Now as with my old position, I still have opportunities to go to new places and meet new people along the way. And the other day I met a salesman from upstate New York.

So this gentlemen comes in and we meet. He goes through his presentation, we have some pleasant conversation, and soon he departs. No big deal, nothing out of the ordinary.

Today after I took some benadryl and am starting to see little green dots.

Why did I take benadryl at work first thing in the morn' you ask?

Because I don't have a goat.

In other words, last night I had to mow my stupid grass. So naturally this morning I woke up with my throat sore, my nose on fire, and my eyes have shut. Plus I figured I'd drink lots of coffee so it would sort of counter the drowsiness.

So I go get some more coffee and decide to stagger toward my mailbox. Oh yeah did I mention that medicine has a dramatic effect on me. I don't like to take medicine and don't normally. Usually if I take something it sort of gives me that medicine head-in-a-fog feeling. So today's benadryl, chased with coffee shooters, sort of had me walking around the office like Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Anyway, when I get to my mailbox, I notice there's an envelope in it. I pick it up and head back to my desk.

Publishers Clearinghouse perhaps???

No such luck.

I opened it up to find this little Thank You note inside.

It's a hand written thank you note.

 Not a rubber stamp, not something typed in Word, and didn't look like a women's hand writing. He actually took the time to write me a personal Thank You. Just a little something from the heart to say: Thanks for meeting with me. Thanks for taking the time to listen to me. Thanks for thinking about doing business with my company.

I thought, who does that in today's corporate world? Who takes the time to hand write a thank you note. Hand address the envelope, lick a stamp and send it through the post office.

Then I thought, Eh, I've got work to do and tossed 'er in the trash.

C'mon I told you I was on meds.