Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Something worth fighting for...

Ask me today if I'm a bad ass and I'll most certainly tell you yes, as I puff up my chest and speak with authority.

Today I am not wrong, and I am not weak. I am confident in the words that come out of my mouth or that are put to paper.

When I was younger I got in my fair share of scuffles in the neighborhood. I can remember on one such occasion where I didn't end up on the winning end, and I told the boy who just whipped my ass how I was going to get my older brother and he'd better not be around when we came back. Only my brother didn't come back
I do not have the strength, confidence or the attitude of a bad ass. I do not walk around with a chip on my should pissed off at the world, just daring someone to cross my path. 

But sometimes we have to fight. We fight for our loved ones and our family. We fight for our kids; and when that happens. When the time comes that you must stand up, put up your dukes, and fight. You better be a bad ass. 

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Why I quit blogging...

While I never officially announced my retirement with a press conference or contacted the local news I did in fact quit blogging.

I was awake again last night at one o'clock in the morning and today I feel like I spent the night dancing with Mr. Brownstone. 

Not that I'd know exactly what that feels like but I imagine I'm close. My head hurts, my eyes burn and my body aches. I read one of my favorite blogs I realize why I quit, and why I'm back, blogging that is. 

He's not one of my favorite blogger's because he's funny or informative or even because of the words he puts to paper. In fact half the time I have no idea what the hell he's saying, but he is who he is. 

A long time ago I wanted to be an actor. It was fun to me, being on stage being someone different. Pretending to be the local store clerk, or the sheriff in a one horse town. I enjoyed the theater. 

But somewhere along the way somebody told me I couldn't make a life of it, or that it wasn't something cool kids did. So I quit. 

And somewhere along the way this became blogging.

Photo Credit
I didn't start A Day in the Life because I wanted to tell the world about my kids or about my latest project to lose weight, or how to craft. It wasn't supposed to be about funny stories or pictures of my vacation. Because the truth is, nobody cares about that shit. 

And that's what it had become. 

I don't envision being a famous author or an Internet sensation because of this. But at some point I'd like to be a person who can be honest and put my words and thoughts down without reservation. An outlet for the daily grind that a father and husband go through. 

I quit blogging because of the cliches of blogging. I'm starting again because I want to write. 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Because Juno MacGuff...

Sometimes the pain shoots right through me and then it's gone, but mostly it's a dull ache that never leaves. Like a dripping faucet, it constantly reminds me.

My oldest daughter has a D minus in gym class. I know we can't all be Rhodes scholars and lord knows I struggled in school, but for God sake, it's gym class. How much effort is really required for gym? I'm sure she'll say things like, it's not the same as when you were in school dad, and maybe she's right. Maybe it's not the same. Maybe it's not the same because she's a girl and I'm a boy. Maybe it's not the same because she's older than her twelve years would indicate. Maybe because she's more like Juno MacGuff, than Mia Hamm. 

Pancakes and bacon are what's for dinner because there isn't much time until the basketball game and mom's busy with a different school function with the other daughter.

It's a fine time to learn that the boy doesn't like bacon.

Only he does like bacon he just likes making me crazy more. Not, Heerree'ss Johnny!! crazy, but rather, he's just like me when I was his age crazy. And I wonder how in the world did we get here?

Not here as in arguing whether or not the boy likes bacon, but rather to this stage in our lives. 

It seems like only yesterday we were making up code words for I love you and running up 400$ phone bills in a long distance relationship. 

I'm not so sure I'm ready for this part of life. You know the old age part.

Not that I'm old, but the dull ache in my shoulder, and the stiffness in my hands, or the pain from my knees constantly remind me, life is moving on. 

Filling Holes....

I'm begging to understand that this life, my life, is not meant to be more. And that's not a bad thing. 

I used to feel as though there were holes that needed to be filled, and I was constantly roaming the earth with a shovel looking for something to fill those holes. Maybe they don't need filled. Hell, maybe they're not even real holes. Maybe they're something I've made up in my head, like a Fight Club. You know it's like how we sometimes can't see the forest for all the trees. 

I made scrambled eggs this morning for the kids. Actually I made eggs for myself, but I couldn't eat a hot breakfast in front of them while they choked down a toaster strudel that was still cold in the middle. So I made them some eggs as well. Some with cheese, some with out. 

Death for me used to be something unique and rare, almost ficticous, like a Bigfoot sighting. But it seems I've reached that age where guys I know start passing. Guys I've worked with, played golf with and met their families. Guys that are too young to die fighting cancer or heart disease and it makes me again think about the holes.

But the truth of the matter is the holes are just as real as they are made up. I constantly struggle thinking there has to be more to life, to my life.  There has to be something to fill those holes. And yet today I made breakfast for my kids. I woke up next to my beautiful wife, and I've lived another day...filling holes. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Today's Breakfast...

I received a text message this morning from my dad wanting to know if we were all OK. It struck me as odd. One, because I don't normally get texts at 7am unless its my birthday, and two this wasn't something my dad normally did. My initial thought was we had received unexpected snow throughout the night. I immediately pictured in my head letting the dog outside and looking at six feet of snow. I quickly realized, no snow. I replied back that everybody was fine but inquired why he asked?

Please pray for me.  I feel good and evil fighting for my soul daily and I just want it to end. I just want to be numb.

This was the facebook post of a friend back in April. Not a day goes by in my life that I don't think about this post and this friend at some point. When I first read it, I reached out. Sent a private message asking this person to seek some help. Hell I even peeled back the layers of my past and explained how I got through a rough patch thinking maybe that could help. We all have them, rough patches. Times in our lives when we feel like we just can't get it right, and maybe never will. 

I woke up today thinking about my friend. They must have been in a dream, although I don't remember. I'm one of those people who rarely remember what they dream. Unless it's about spiders. It's a bit unfair really. Never being able to see in your minds eye what cool places you've been. But today the first thing on my mind what this friend, until I received my father's text. 

Just checking on everybody. Have an uneasy feeling this morning, he wrote. 

I sent my friend another private message. 

I don't know if good or evil work in certain ways. Does God touch one person in hopes of touching another, does Satan? Do I believe in either? I don't know, but my friend replied,, thanks for thinking of me......

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Letters from Beyond...

Today I was thinking about my death, and what if it happened today or tomorrow, what would be my last words to my children? It's no surprise to anyone who knows me, I love being a father. I love teaching them. I love just talking to them. Something I feel to many parents, especially dad's don't do enough of.

So this afternoon I sat down and wrote them each a note as if today was my last day on earth. I know it's a bit weird, but we don't get to choose when we die. Sometimes we never see it coming. So instead of my shouting, good-bye, as I rush out the door being the last thing my kids hear from me. I wrote them each a letter.

I told them each things that I love about them right now. Things that I've seen as they've grown up, and things I want them to always remember. Each one of them was something different because each one of my clowns are different. There were things for my daughters about loving themselves and others. Begin a good mom and wife if they choose that path. And about being strong women. For my son I wrote about what it means to be a man. How to be a father, husband and brother. And what the future holds as all three.

I know my Letters from Beyond seem a bit weird, and I hope they never have to open them, but if something should happen to me today, tomorrow or next week, who's gonna give them fatherly advise.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

My Disney Must Do's...

So for the past few years we've spent our fall break at Disney World. It's a great family vacation that I'm so glad we can provide for our family. So since I've been for the last 4 years, here are my Must Do's Disney

10. Slow Down...My first must do is slow down. Try to remember you're on vacation. I know it's tempting to try and cram everything into one day, but take it easy. Relax and enjoy yourself.

9. Stay on Disney Property....We've done both, stayed at a hotel close by to save some money and on Disney property. In the end staying on Disney Property is such a better experience. The resort staffs are awesome and you get the entire Disney experience. Don't be cheap. Stay on the property if at all possible.

8. Do your homework....Every year my DW puts a lot of time and effort making our vacation the best it can be. If you don't do your homework ahead of time like making your reservations, having an agenda and planning what parks to visit, you will waste a lot of time. Let's face it. The crowds can be heavy and every year my DW plans what parks to visit based on the anticipation of those crowds. She does her homework and it pays off. Not to mention the fast passes.

7. Wear Disney attire...Every year the DW puts us in Disney shirts. Usually we coordinate in some way, and every year I complain about it asking, why I can't just wear a normal shirt. But here's the thing. You're not in your hometown. It's not normal "life". It's vacation and it's the happiest place on earth. Let your hair down a bit and wear goofy shirts together....no pun intended.

6. Wear Mickey Ears... Yes. This goes along with #7 sort of. But look. Again, You're on vacation and what's the old saying. When in Rome do as the Romans. Wear the ears at least once. Now a days they have so many more than just the basic Mickey ones. Find one you like and wear them proudly. After all. Nobody back home will know.

5. Get a Dole Whip... Basically this is an ice cream float with pineapple juice. You can get them in a couple different varieties but it's a must. 

4. Ride Big Thunder Mountain...Big Thunder Mountain is a roller coaster, and even if you're not a roller coaster guy, you should ride it. It doesn't have big drops, cork screws or take you upside down. Think about it. It's a Disney Roller Coaster. But it's a Disney World Legend. It's the one ride we all agree on over and over.

3. Take in a show... Disney World offers a few different shows in various parks. There's the Lion King at Animal Kingdom, and Fantasmic at Hollywood Studios just to name a couple that I really enjoy. The point is, Disney doesn't skip on the details in anything they do. So sit down, watch a show that you normally wouldn't watch. You won't be disappointed. 

2. Stay for the fireworks... I can remember all the times when I was a kid my dad would always be like, "we can see them as we're walking towards the car". "You've seen one fireworks show you've seen them all". But look. Stay a little longer. Watch the fireworks, and watch your kids watch them. Besides Disney puts on great fireworks shows.

1. See Mickey Mouse. Yes the lines can be long if you get there on a busy day, and maybe it's hot, or whatever. But look. He is the reason you're there. So suck it up. Meet the mouse and get your picture taken with him. It's worth it. Actually this year we met a Mickey that actually talked to us. It was so worth it.

So there you have it. My top 10 Disney Must Do's... Let me know what you think.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I like Bacon too, but......

Seriously, can we just stop with the bacon. I for one am tired of all the bacon flavored things. Tonight the DW backed some Maple Bacon cookies with Maple Bacon frosting. C'mon man.....

Look I like bacon as much as the next guy, but It seems like we're taking this whole bacon craze a bit to far. I typed in Bacon Flavored in my search engine and the first thing that came up was bacon flavored cotton candy. The second thing, Bacon Flavored deodorant. What? Seriously, someone actually wants to smell like bacon? 

No thanks. I'll stick to bacon on my burgers, club sandwiches, and at breakfast. Oh and if I'm forced to eat a salad. 

Monday, November 10, 2014

I'm a Bad Assassin.....

I'm not a "gamer" by any means, and since I've grown older my video gaming in general has taken a back seat. So when the DW came home with this little gem the other day, I was extremely surprised.

Yeah, I know it's not a very good post, but now you know what my excuse will be if I don't post.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Something to believe in...

It's Saturday afternoon and tears well up in my eyes. Nearly 23 year have gone by but at times I still get emotional. 

I'm listening to the song Something to believe in by Poison and I get choked up. It's nothing new. There's something about the part that says, my best friend died a lonely man in some Palm Spring hotel room....I tried all night not to break down and cry as the tears rolled down my face, I felt so cold and empty like a lost soul out of place, that gets me. Every. Single. Time. 

You see it makes me think of my best friend some 23 years ago. He died when we were Juniors in high school in a single automobile crash on a rare night that we weren't together that year. 

We'd both been through some stuff growing up and our Junior year just seemed to be my turn. 

And now every time I hear that song, at that verse I nearly loose my shit as a ton of emotions pour over me. It's funny how powerful music can be. 

Saturday, November 8, 2014

30 in a row.....can it be done?????

I can't do it. 

I hate hearing these words uttered from one's mouth. Just the other night I got onto my son for saying this exact thing. But dad I can't do it..... those words run through me like no other. Yes you can, I told him. Don't ever believe that you can't. Don't ever beat yourself. Always believe you can no matter what the odds. 

Yet here I sit thinking, I can't do this..

Every so often I sit down and peck out a blog post and think, for the next month, or 30 days because it rarely happens on the first day of the month, I'm going to blog every day. 30 post in a row. No stopping, I tell myself. You can do this. It doesn't matter if it's about something stupid like air fresheners or something profound like my thoughts on when I'm dead. Either way, I'm going to sit my butt down and write. Then I'm going to hit publish. You see I have a bad habit of writing something, then just leaving it and never posting it. I wrote a post about it once. I think it's still in my drafts. 

So this past November 1st was no different. I thought, here we go, the whole month, every day. One post a day......and here it is November 8th, and I've written one besides this one, and with each day that passes and I don't get something out, I think. Who am I kidding, I can't blog every day. I can't do it.  

It's sad how those words come out of me without a second thought. 

So in an effort to practice what I preach, here it goes. For the next 30 days, one post a day.......I can do this. 

Monday, November 3, 2014

Life Lessons...

I took my oldest daughter with me to the gas station yesterday. Mostly because I needed some help with a car issue, but turns out it was a great teaching opportunity. I feel like with all the sports and coaching I've done lately I've neglected my girls when it comes to learning opportunities recently. She makes it seem like it's a bother, her being with me, but then again she's 12. Everything is a bother. On the way we make small talk about the car, and her pumping gas for me.
 It's easy for me to give life lessons, or teaching moments to my son, even though he never wants to hear them. But sometimes I forget my daughters need these moments as well. Not because some day they'll be the man of the house, (not that there's anything wrong with that), but because they need these memories with their dad. On the way back to the house she makes fun of me and my car. I laugh because I understand there's a torch that's passed down. Every child makes fun of their parents, and every parent claims, you'll be old some day

Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. And as I write this post I think about what an awesome learning opportunity this has been. Not for me but for my kids. I think it's important for them to see all the ups and some of the downs that marriage couples go through, and I'm glad we've been able to provide that. The DW and I have lunch together and we talk about 13 years ago. I think about where we are and what we've been through, and honestly wouldn't change a thing. 

We spent this past Saturday kid free. We didn't do anything special and maybe that was the nice part. We went antique shopping for the day then had dinner. I remember when we were dating we spent a Saturday together and went to some flea market near where she lived. It wasn't much of a date, but I remember that day thinking how I was falling for her. I guess it just goes to show you that Love is weird. Sometimes it sneaks up on you in a flea market. It also goes to show you that we've been party animals from the get go. 

After work we go to my son's basketball game. He plays well. I'm proud of him. Not just because he played well and they won, but because of his attitude and sportsmanship. Something he's had to work on. After the game he rides home with me. It's just us in the car and we talk about the game. Something I never remember my dad doing with me. I asked him what he did best during the game. To which we both agreed was his defense. Then I asked what he did worst during the game. We have different view on what part of his game he needs to work on, but it's ok because it shows me he understands he's not perfect. It shows him as well...another life lesson. 

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Big Boobs, Little Boobs...Three Boobs?

Boobies. They come in all shapes and sizes, and it's no secrete that we love 'em. And it's not just us men who love them. You ladies love 'em too. Maybe for different reasons but still, we all love the tata's.

Jasmine Tridevil loves them so much she added a third one.

Yes, you read that right she added a third boob to her chest. She claims she wants to become "unattractive" to men. Does this make sense to anybody?

If you ask me, it looks like a motor boating accident waiting to happen, but it does draw more attention to her.

Let's see....Wants to be unattractive to men... Men love boobs... Get extra boob... Brilliant!

Here's an idea, how about a uni brow or loosing some teeth. That seems less attractive. Well I guess if the unattractive thing doesn't work, she could always get a couple more and nurse some pigs at the state fair.  

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Is God a Brand Name.....

I don't blog about my faith or religion much. The truth is, I don't know enough about my own faith to speak on it. But today while on Facebook a friend posted about how she thought she had breast cancer this week. Turns out, she doesn't. Now when she posted this today, she posted about how God answers prayers, which really made me think.  So I sent a chat to my wife. This is how it went:

ME: Can I ask you a question?

HER: What? 

ME: A facebook friend just posted that she had a scare this week that she thought she had breast cancer
turns out she went to the doctor today and come to find out she doesn't have it
her post was about how God "really does answer prayers"
Now my question is. Do you think God answers prayers?
and if so, why did he answer her prayer and not mine?
or some starving kid
or crippled
or abused
or homeless
or whomever?

HER: it's just a coincidence that she prayed and got the answer she wanted

ME: I just don't know

HER: people need something to believe in

MEI find it hard to wrap my brain around God
I'm not sure what I believe? If I believe?
I think maybe there is a God. Or a higher power. But I don't think he gives two shits about if this lady has breast cancer or not.
and is it just something that people say...I pray to God.. blah blah blah?"
sort of like saying, lets go get a coke
even though you're not exactly getting a coke a cola
is God a brand name?

HER:don't you have work to do?

ME: Like, she said God is good. Or God answers prayers...is she really thanking God or something else?
Maybe that's it....Maybe God is a brand name
it's like saying my car is brand new.
lets go get a coke, or hand me a Kleenex
If someone gives you a puffs plus are you gonna say...no I asked for a Kleenex, not puffs.

HER: you have way too much time on your hands

ME: Thank God

HER: omg

ME: or do I really mean....thank myself and my family for supporting me and helping me along the way be a better person and get my degree so that I can have a job where I don't have to work on a factory line busting my butt, but yet have time to contemplate if there is a God.

So, you can clearly see my confusion, which is why I don't blog about it.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Friday Funnies...

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One."

Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$201,237.64.

Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."

Enjoy your weekend Lifers....

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Please Kill Me When I'm Dead...

Some time ago, while scrolling through my Facebook feed, I saw something unusual that caught my eye. It was a post from an old classmates daughter.

It took me a few minutes to connect the dots, but long story short, my old classmate had passed away. I was a bit shocked. Not because we were close. We'd grown up together but he moved away during our sophomore yeah of high school, and other than the occasional like or brief comment on FB, I hadn't had much interaction with him since then. Still it was hard to swallow. So naturally I did what anyone else would do, I scrolled through his and his families timeline to figure out what happened. 

The Rise of the Dead

I read somewhere that nearly 8,000 Facebook users die everyday, and that at this rate if things don't change their would be more dead profiles on FB than living profiles.

Yesterday, I saw a post from my classmates daughter again, this time it said something like I miss you Daddy. My heart hurt. I felt bad for her and his family. Then I noticed his profile is still active, and there were several other people who had written on his wall over the past year about missing him and his love for fishing and sports.

Unfriending the Dead

Obviously I don't do regular maintenance on my Facebook friends list, because I realized that I'm still friends with my old classmate even though he's been gone now for more than a year. It seems odd that I'm still friends but surely I can't unfriend him now can I?  I mean even if I wasn't much of a friend before I would certainly go to hell for unfriending a dead guy right? And besides, I still like him better than some of the people I went to school with that I have as friends and I don't delete them. So maybe I'll just leave well enough alone. 


I mean no disrespect to my classmate, his family or any one else who has a dead loved one with a Facebook profile. I understand maybe it helps with the grieving process. It's a good way for people to remember, communicate or cope. I get it. I just think it's a bit weird. But maybe it's better than going to a grave and talking to a loved one. I know that can be hard for some people to cope with as well. Thinking that their loved one is in the ground? I don't know. I've lost a few loved ones in my time, but none since the new age of social media. I guess to each his own. 

My dying wish

I'm still not sure what ever happened to my old classmate. I'd like to think that we're not old enough to die of such things as cancer, or heart failure, but as we all know when it's your time it's your time. I'm pretty sure though that it wasn't his decision to keep his Facebook profile active after he passed. It doesn't seem natural that someone would actually request this as a last wish, as a way to stay in touch. I'm sure it's something his daughters or wife have continued to maintain to help them get through. 

It seems strange to me that I'd have ask my DW or clowns to close out all my cyber space accounts when I pass, but I guess that's what it's come down to. So if you're reading this, please, for me, kill me when I'm dead.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

You Think That's Hard....

Last week my son had to get his four front bottom teeth pulled. I felt so bad for him, but according to the DW he was a real trooper at the dentist.  

He's been recovering fine this week, but here's the thing. Everything and anything hard since then has been compared to getting four teeth pulled. Anytime somebody says something was hard his rebuttal is always. You think that's hard you should try getting your four front teeth pulled. Now that's hard. 

He's like that guy from You Can't Do That On Television that pops up out of nowhere and says I heard that. Except he always says. That's not as hard as having four teeth pulled.

photo credit

It doesn't matter if it's physical, or metaphorical. Anything hard, difficult, or straining is compared to having four teeth pulled.

This is horrible. 

You think that's horrible? You should try having four teeth pulled

This sucks. 

You think that sucks. You should try having your four front teeth pulled. 

I can't do this it's to hard. 

You thinks that's hard try having four teeth pulled. 

Looks like the DW and I better make sure our bedroom door is locked for awhile.....

...you think that's hard .....

Thursday, July 31, 2014

I'm Human, I'm Moving on, and Only God can Judge Me....

So if you're a sports fan, football in particular, you've probably heard all the news surrounding Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice recently. Long story short a few months ago he was arrested; caught on tape for punching his then fiance in the face and knocking her out in a Vegas hotel. Seriously people. He punched her in the face so hard she was unconscious.

So as part of his punishment his employer, the National Football League did what every other employer would do, they gave him a little time off. Two games to be exact. And today he was going to address the media. 

Let me first say that I did not watch or listen to his press conference. But I have a pretty good idea how it went.
photo credit


Yes I'm sure Mr. Rice started out the press conference with something apologetic that expressed the fact that he is, after all, human. He made a mistake. He's sorry, and everybody deserves a second chance. It won't happen again, he loves her... yada, yada, yada. 


Now I'm sure after he explained how he's just a man who made one bad decision and how he deserves a second chance, he went into phase two of the standard athlete apology. I'm moving forward. 

You know this is where he tells us how he's only going to focus on his sport and how he won't be taking any more questions about the matter after today because he's moving on. His family is moving on and he asks that we respect his wishes and move on as well. Let's just all put this little issue behind us. You know, like when your kid spills his drink at a restaurant or something. 


I think stage three is my favorite. Only God Can Judge Me. This is the ultimate get out of jail fee card. Basically he turns the tables on those groups that are outraged by his actions and the punishment that followed, simply by saying. Hey,only God can judge me. This is where he gets slightly defensive saying, you don't know me. You don't know what I've been through, and you have no right to pass judgement. And if you are passing judgement then you're the one who is wrong.  

Now look, I love football as much as the next guy, but the way this whole thing has been handled is ridiculous. Shame on the NFL and the commissioner for only suspending him two games. Shame on the Baltimore Ravens for not stepping up and saying this will not be tolerated on our team. Shame on all the fans who turn a blind eye to the fact that this guy knocked out his girlfriend. And shame on those who applauded this guy when he stepped on the field for the first day of practice.

But I guess, he's human and he's moving on. Besides, who am I to judge. Only God can do that....right Mr. Rice?

Monday, July 7, 2014

You're the reason I can't pee...

So today I was summoned down to the medical facilities at work for a random drug test.

I was a little nervous going in because of the blow the wife and I did on the fourth. But hey, we ran out of meth and pain killers, sometimes you just have to improvise. Anyway, so I head down to the nurses station, where there are twenty other junkies with cotton mouth twitching because after all it's Monday morning and who isn't Jones'n for another fix on Monday morning?
I fill out my paperwork and wait for my name to be called. I think, this will be a piece of cake since the vodka from my coffee was going right through me. I should be in and out in a few. After about ten minutes my name is called and I grab my cup from Focker, the male nurse, who's rounding up the urine and head to the can.

And that's when he followed me. Whoa hold up there sparky. I don't need you to hold it or anything. 

I have to be present when you go.


So there I am in front of the toilet holding this cup in my hand all the while this peeping creeper stands behind me trying to look inconspicuous.

Eyes on your own paper there Bub.  

Waiting......., waiting.... waiting......

You know I usually don't pee in front of someone I'm not married too.

Just think of it as being in the men's room and there's a partition between us.

Maybe we should talk about the game last night or something. You standing back there staring at me in the mirror is making me a bit uncomfortable.

We can wait ten minutes or so and let you try again. Maybe drink some water or something.

Look, It's not that I can't pee, it's that I can't pee in front of a man in scrubs for crying out loud. Maybe we could do something that was a little more in my comfort zone, like I'll go ahead and get started and as soon as the door closes you bust in like the boy does and ask me if I think LeBron James is better than Kevin Durant, or throw a fit because you can't find the Nerf football and it has to be found right this very minute. That might help me.

After nearly one hour and three cups of water later I was back to try it again. 

OK just fill it up to the line and anything extra can go in the bowl. 

Waiting...don't look at me damn it..waiting....Stop looking....waiting......Seriously dude stop watching me. What, you think I woke up this morning and thought, I better put someone else's piss in a bottle and tape it to my inner thigh just in case I get chosen for a random drug test at work. I'm standing here with my junk in my hand trying to pee in a cup and you watching me ...ahhhh finally.

Enjoy your pee nurse.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Hide Yo Shit....

So if you've ever seen the movie Friday then you know, or should know this line. It's Deebo, hide yo shit.

Long story short, in the movie Friday, the neighborhood bully, Deebo, is always stealing from people in the town. Money, jewelry, bikes, whatever he wants he takes. He rides a bike around town that squeaks which allows the main characters in the movie to know when he's coming down the street, thus, hiding their shit before he gets there.

The point of this post.....my family is Deebo. Yes that's right. I have resorted to hiding my shit. Now I'm sure you're thinking, WHAT? How could you? You're their dad; her husband. You shouldn't hide things from them. I can't believe you.

 But here's the thing, you don't know 'em. They never put things back where they go. So yes, I have a few items that I hide, like a pair of scissors, flashlight, screwdriver. Just a few things that saves me the trouble of yelling through the house, WHERE ARE/IS THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, because someone didn't put it back where they belong.

My ear buds, phone charger and cube are going next. Nothing drives me crazier than going to charge my nearly dead phone only to discover my chord has been stolen by the DW because one of the clowns took hers. I've been known to have "special money" too. That didn't work out to well though, because everybody know that if there's money to be found a woman will find it.

So tell me. Do you have to hide yo shit????

Saturday, June 28, 2014

I am a Truck Guy...

Ladies, sometimes in a man's life, a force comes over him that he can't always explain. It's sort of like a testosterone jolt. It's just something that makes him feel manly, like buying a power tool, or building something. And when this force comes over him, he has to act on it.

A month or so back, I had this feeling, this man force, that was telling me I need a truck. After all, I've been driving a mini van for the last two plus years, and with the DW and I just a few payments away from having all our vehicles paid off, I thought I'd flex my muscles a bit, and let her know that; we WILL be buying a truck next.  

No we're not

Yes, we are

Are you retarded? First of all we won't be able to afford it because you'd have to get a great big thing that we all can ride in, and the payments will be more than what we're paying now. But let's just say you do find something that we can all fit in for our payment range, you won't be able to drive it because it will cost an arm and a leg to put gas in those things. (i love it when she calls me names)

Well, I want one. 

We're not getting a truck. What do you need a truck for?

You know, hauling things, getting mulch, stuff like that. Yeah, I know, I'm not helping my cause. 

So we're gonna get a truck so you can get mulch once a year? Besides, you're not a truck guy. 

What do you mean I'm not a truck guy, sure I am.

No you're not. What's next, you gonna go huntin' and fishin'. Gonna put the dog in the front seat with ya. 

Well I want one.

Keep in mind I actually wrote this post a month ago, just never published it. Long story short. Here's my new vehicle.

It's an older Dodge Durango and it has some rust and some issues, but we bought it outright from a friend so no car payment. Oh and guess what.....the BMV classifies it as... "A Truck"

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Training Day...

Sitting in a training session this morning for three hours was not on my favorites lists, but what are you gonna do?

It's a compliance training talking about price fixing, the Cartel, and corruption, and so far the only thing I can think about is how I'd to see Jackson or Clay from Sons of Anarchy sit through one if these things. I imagine a few minutes in and those two would have already shot up this room and curb stopped this lady with the microphone on their way to stealing everybody's wallet. Mostly because they can. Yes, yes, I know Clay died last season so please don't read this and comment that Clay died. I know. I also know it's a t.v show, and if I'm gonna sit here and wish somebody would come in and blow this room to smithereens it might as well be Jackson and Clay right?
picture credit

A few seats down a co-worker diligently scribble some notes on her notepad. I roll my eyes and think "give it a rest would ya". It's compliance training and your a grown ass women. Really? You need notes? I mean, lets just say a supplier offers you a hundred grand all in cash, for some new business. You mean to tell me you need to refer to your notes to know if this is acceptable or not? Come on lady.  

I think I hear the guy next to my pass gas, to which I want to immediately stand up, point my finger and shout, "that was him, he did it". Just in case someone else heard the same thing I did and has doubts about who it was. After all, I don't want to be thought of the guy who might have broke wind at the training. 

My stomach is growling and I'd kill for a cup of coffee right about now. Who has a three hour training withing providing refreshments? What's next, bamboo shoots jammed under my fingernails? Would it have killed them to provide coffee and a doughnut?

One thing's for sure, this isn't even close to the Training Day I had in mind.

picture credit here

Friday, June 20, 2014

Let's Talk About Sex.....

The talk.

I never really had the talk with either of my parents. I'm not sure why really? I do remember one time when I was maybe in the eight grade and my mom asked me if I had any questions about sex. By this time I'd already seen magazines and a few movies, after all, I did have an older brother but still had some questions. Obvious questions like, will I really go blind or get hairy palms. Where does the pee come out of a girl and what are my nipples for? And even a few non-traditional ones like, do all women open the door to the pizza delivery guy without a top on? But of course I told her that I didn't have any questions and we were good. After all lets face it, as a kid discussing anything sex with your mom ranks right up there with kissing your sister or seeing a grown man naked. It's just wrong.  

So I just knew that when I had a son, and had to have the Talk, things would be different, at least that's how I pictured it in my head. Now don't get me wrong. I never dreamed it would be like two sailors sitting in a smokey bar discussing whether or not a handful was plenty, but I also didn't think it would be that awkward moment when your parents talk to you about sex.  

This past weekend I had to sit down and have a talk with the boy about sex. I talk to my kids regularly about life. Things like our feelings, love, compassion, and God. Not necessarily in that order, but we talk about things. Things that maybe seem simple or obvious to us adults, but things I wish someone would have sat down and told me about when I was a kid. So I thought for sure this would be just another one of those talks. Now maybe it was because of his age, and I had to tread lightly about information overload, or maybe because this talk wasn't exactly on my terms, but whatever the reason I wasn't exactly Vince Lombardi giving a halftime speech. 

Ultimately, in the end, I didn't go with the traditional, bury my head in the sand this is bad, you're to young to know about these sorts of things, kind of talk. Hell, I didn't even play the sex is between a married couple card. No instead I thought about his feelings. What he thought he knew, and what I best could tell he knew. I explained that I understand his curiosity, and that it was normal. But more than the act or the definitions of the acts, we talked about making good decisions as a child. I'm not so old fashioned as to think that my kid will never see things on t.v or the Internet, or never hear things on the playground and not want to find out for himself, I know better. For me though it doesn't matter if its about sex or the latest video games, life is about making good decisions, and what we do with the information we're provided. I explained to him that although I understood and it's completely normal, the depths of this topic were not for little boys. The words, the acts, the actions, they were all for when he was a bit older........ And of course, in the end, I asked him if he had any questions. 

Wednesday, June 18, 2014


Today I see 41.

Forty-one feels like 30something most of the time. Forty-one is secure enough to not care about the latest fashions, yet wanting to still be in touch. Forty-one is wearing your hat and pants the way they were intended. 

Forty-one is embarrassing your children, and being their hero all in the same day. Forty-one is Friday nights gathered around the TV rather than the bars. Forty-one is coaching your kids' sports teams. Forty-one is not worrying if you're gonna make the doctor mad with all your questions. Forty-one Is asking questions. 

Forty-one is being confident enough in your marriage to tell her your fears, dreams, and desires. Forty-one is loving her more today than yesterday. Forty-one is putting them before yourself. 

Forty-one is not sleeping through the night. Forty-one is aches and pains in the morning. Forty-one is knowing who you can trust.  

Forty-one is forgetting the past and looking forward to the future. Forty-one is having an itch for more. Forty-one is knowing your limits, and respecting history. 

Today I see 41. Here's to 41 more. 

Saturday, June 14, 2014

My New Toy...

First of all, Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there.

Being a dad is not always a glamours job, but it is the best job I've ever had. And let's face it, I've had a lot of jobs.

So since Father's Day is tomorrow and my birthday on Wednesday, the DW gave me my combo present today, a new laptop. She figured I wouldn't have much time tomorrow to enjoy it with visiting my dad.

Yes, finally after...I don't even know how long it's been, but I know it's been a long time, I've got my own computer again. I've been sort of getting by without one because I do have a laptop that my work provides me, but it's just not the same you know. I can't put my pictures on it or change the screen saver or anything like that. Now I'm sure she bought me this one because she wants me to get back to telling all the funny stories and events of my life through this blog, and let's be honest, who doesn't. Well, at least that's what I'd like to think. But I'm sure it's more because I've only been complaining about not having a computer for a year or so and she's tired of listening to me. That's probably more accurate. Either way, yay me.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Baseball Time....

So baseball season is upon us yet again, and I'm coaching both my son's baseball, and my daughter's softball teams. This past week we had our first games.....These videos about sum it up...

And for the boy's....

Play Ball.......

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

There is no joy in Daddyville......

So last summer was a big milestone in my youngest daughter's life. It was time the training wheels came off....No really. I took off the training wheels on her bike. 

So throughout the summer she'd ask me to help her ride her bike, and I'd run behind her with one hand on the back keeping her steady as she pedaled as fast as her little legs would go. Up and down the driveway. Up and then back down we'd go.  After each trip she'd say something like let's go dad or come on, not realizing I'm slightly overweight and a lot out of shape. 

Well at some point she finally got it and could ride without the assistance of the fat old guy lumbering behind her. And as the weather broke this past week and my daughter, now a regular Evel Knievel on the bike sped down the driveway with a look on her face of both determination and pride, that said, look out world my daddy taught me how to ride this thing, her mother and I watched. And when she reached the end of the driveway she turned around, waved, and at the top of her lungs shouted ....Hi Mom.  

Friday, April 25, 2014

Sensible shoes

Sensible shoes.

 It's a song by David Lee Roth. I'm not a big DLR fan but I like this particular song. Not necessarily for the lyrics, but because I love the actual music. It's a bit bluesy with some harmonica riffs thrown in and has a nice slow blues rhythm.  I like the song much more now than I ever have as my taste in music has changed to "old man music".  I remember when the song came out in 1991 on his A Little Ain't Enough album. I was a senior in high school. At the time Diamond Dave had broke from Van Halen and gone solo. I wasn't fanatical about Van Halen but I listened to them a little bit. So when his solo stuff came out I bought it.

Last night, while we were sitting at my daughter's basketball practice, the guy next to me commented on my shoes. Saying I had on fancy shoes. I hadn't changed from my work clothes and I still had on my dress shoes. Fancy loafers I guess.

Today I found myself looking at shoes as co-workers walked by because of this comment. I guess that's why this song is stuck in my head, because I actually spent a portion of my day inspecting shoes. As I passed people I thought about the guy at the basketball practice. Was he thinking about my shoes what I thought about some of my co-workers shoes? Were their shoes fancy? Fancier than my loafers? You've heard the expressions you can tell a lot by a man's shoes or don't judge a man until you've walked in his shoes. Maybe the guy last night was trying to tell a lot about me based on my shoes?  I just think they're sensible. 

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Snakes, Friends and Crappy Cars....

Is it just me or does anybody else feel this way when you're arguing with your kid, and they say, I'm not talking to you anymore.

So last weekend I found this little fella in the back yard. The DW wasn't to happy.

I let the boy play around with it a bit. He thought that was pretty cool seeing the insides of a snake.

So my ride has a bit of a squeak to it that embarrasses the clowns. Now usually I just turn the radio up loud enough I don't have to hear it. But the other day while passing this guy, it hit me.

 All I have to do is drive next to a car that's a bigger piece of crap than mine and people will think it's his car squeaking. Whatdaya think? This car looks like it would squeak doesn't it?

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

I Will Survive......

Today I had the unfortunate experience of staying home with my sick daughter. The DW had other commitments this morning so when she got sick I stayed. So around my normal lunch hour I began to get hungry. Hey just because the clown was throwing up didn't mean I couldn't eat right? Well, unable to run into town and grab a quick bite, I did what every other man since the beginning of time has done when hungry..............I hunted.

Well, OK it's not like I got my camo on and started rustling through the woods. Hell, I barely had on pants. Instead, I did the domestic hunt. I rummaged through the kitchen for something. When  it was all said and done, this was my kill.

Yep, homemade Philly Cheese Steak. I'd say Bear Grylls ain't got nuttin' on me when it comes to survival.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Just Random Stuff...

With three ipods, an ipad, and two iphones, this is more precious than gold around this house.

Everybody always needs to charge something, and of course there are never enough chords to go around. This is a daily if not hourly struggle. Some is always "looking" for a charger or cube.

Last Friday night my youngest daughter had her first sleep over with someone not family. I won't lie it was a little hard for us to let her go. Especially when we pulled into the driveway and saw this.

Yes, that's a Rooster. There were several chickens running around the yard as well. Yeah.......

Last week after basketball games we went over to our neighboring town and let the clowns run around in this indoor play place.

We followed that up with a little ice cream for dinner. This was the boy's banana split that was about as big as his head.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Don't Tell Dad.....

There is no doubt that men and women are different. But mommies and daddies are not that different. 

Recently my oldest daughter experienced the thing that every young girl goes through when her body begins to change into a women. I bring this up not to embarrass my daughter in any way, but to explain from daddy's point of view. 

After I found out, my heart hurt. It was a similar hurt I felt when she had to get glasses. I hurt for her. I didn't want her to feel different, awkward or self conscious about a change that she has no control over.  

Recently I drove by the dance studio where she took her first dance lessons. She was barely in kindergarten and so little. I remember thinking how I couldn't wait to watch her experience the joys of childhood. Opening presents on Christmas morning. Riding her bike with no training wheels, or getting excited over the tooth fairy. I wanted my daughter to have a wonderful happy childhood. And stay my little girl forever. 

And now it's over. Or at least so her body says. She's in the sixth grade now and I suppose it's time to hang up the Tutu's and bury the idea that she still believes in Santa in order to make room for mood swings and make-up. 

When I told my DW that I hated this for her. That I thought it sucked. That it was depressing. It was quickly explained to me that I didn't get to say that. As if I couldn't have a feeling about the subject because I'll never experience it first hand. But the truth of the matter is it's harder for us Dads. My wife explained to me that she wanted this to be a bonding moment between the two of them, and to an extent it is. But let's face it, there is no, let's eat chocolate together moment for Daddies at this time. There is no, if you have questions I'm here for you moment. There's no, I know how you feel moment for dad.   

In fact my daughter said Don't tell Dad

I get it. I get her embarrassment and not wanting me to know, I do. But it doesn't make it any easier for ol' Dad. 

Just Write

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Learning New Things...

Every so often in life, between sports events, band concerts, work and family, we learn a few things along the way. Here are just a few things that I've learned recently.

What I've learned: First, cats are not as smart as people think. The picture below is our cat; Cat. He has an actual name, but I'm not sure what it is. You see we started out calling him a girl name, then found out he was a boy and things got a little weird after that so now he's just Cat. So anyway, we were trying to actually potty train him. We basically shut off the clowns bathroom and turned it in to his little private domain. Which, as you can see from the picture was working.....well except he had problems doing the #2  in the potty. That's kind of a deal breaker. I'm not sure if he's just getting us back for the name thing or what. But chalk it up to something learned. My cat will not poop in the toilet.

What else I've Learned: I learned recently that a family of five needs two bathrooms. Period. Sticking with the bathroom theme, apparently someone in my family is really lazy. I guess actually putting the T.P on the holder is just to much to ask for.

Another Thing I've learned:  I learned that no matter how much you want them to stay little, you're kids will grow up. They will experience hardships, defeat, and embarrassment, and all the things you want to shelter them from. No matter what you do or how you try to protect them. It's just gonna happen.

Something else I've learned:  If you tell your wife you ate eight cookies for lunch and won the lottery, she will only hear that you ate eight cookies and make fun of you for the next two weeks every time you go to the kitchen. Not that I won the lottery or anything.

So here's to learning new things....

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

But, can he play???

So even if you're not a football fan, I'm sure you've heard that a recent NFL prospect from Missouri, Michael Sam came out this past week and announced that he's gay. No big deal right? Well it shouldn't be, but the media wants to make it a big deal and as a society we tend to listen and believe what the media tells us.

So the young man, before he came out publicly, sent his father a text that simply said "Dad, I'm Gay".  His father, Michael Sam senior, who was interviewed after the public announcement, had this to say.

"I couldn't eat no more, so I went to Applebee's to have drinks, "I don't want my grand kids raised in that kind of environment."

Now let me just tell you the type of "environment"  his son, was raised in.

He is the seventh of eight children. Three of his siblings have died. He saw his older brother killed from a gunshot wound. His oldest sister died when she was a baby. His second oldest brother went missing in 1998, and two other brothers have been in and out of jail since the eighth grade, where they currently reside. He lived briefly in the back seat of his mother's car as a child, and to this day when he visits home, according to him, he usually stays with friends because his relationship with his family is complicated.

I just don't understand people. Is his own father really saying that he'd rather have his kids, or grand kids raised in an environment where murder, jail, and homeless is the norm? Or the better "environment"? Does this make sense?

Look, I really am indifferent about the subject. I just don't care. I know I'm supposed to one way or the other because again, that's what the media tells us. That you have to pick a side, but it doesn't affect me or my family so I really don't care. If this kid gets drafted to my favorite football team, my only concern is, can he play.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Old Man Winter...

I love the way the snow looks falling from the sky. It's heavy from last nights fall and with each scoop of my shovel I'm reminded of how old I've become. Just an hour ago I felt young and healthy, able to wrestle a bear if needed. But old man winter has a way of putting you in your place. I shovel four, maybe five scoops before resting. The cold air fills my lungs as I stand underneath another batch of fresh falling flakes. It's quite outside. So much so that I can nearly hear each new flake hitting the ground. He has a way of beating us down, old man winter. It's so different than the other seasons. There are no cars passing, no dogs barking, no kids playing. There is no green grass or flowers or colorful falling leaves. There is no hope in winter. There is no promise of warmer days or sunshine. No promise that rain will bring flowers or rainbows. There is only white ground as far as the eye can see. I look around at neighboring houses and just for a minute I enjoy it. The still. The calm. The blanket of fresh powder. With a grunt and a heave I thrust my shovel back to the ground. There are two levels of snow I attack. The first and hardest is the blanket of ice that my feet crunch with each step. The second is the  pure snow, now packed tightly thanks to the ice. I alternate the shovel in my hands depending on which side of my body I toss it over. Each time on my left side I can feel the effects of an old injury just below my ribs. There is no pain, but rather a reminder of a different time in my life. A few more scoopfuls and again I rest. My body is getting quite the workout as my breathing is heavy and my arms hurt. It's old man winters way. It makes me think of other men, other husbands, other fathers who have fought the same fight, but didn't win. The snow can kill, but I am determined to clear space. To beat it. I remind myself that I'm sure others had the same thought before they collapsed. Soon I've cleared a path that allows me to get out. I am no longer stuck. As I reach the road, a feeling of victory rolls over me, like Rocky after defeating Apollo. Take that old man winter.....Yo, ADRIAN

Just Write

Friday, January 31, 2014

You need me....

A week or so ago I wrote a post about Love me some me. In that post I explain how I was a bit disappointed at the results when I asked my clowns to name some things they love and not one of them said themselves.

Now fast forward.  My son started playing basketball in the last week or so, and I have to say I'm really impressed with how much he's improved from last year, and truth be told, he's one of our best player in one of his leagues. 

But just like every young boy he can get a little squirly from time to time. So the other night I had to sit him down and have a talk about his behavior. 

I explained to the young lad that I expected him to make good decisions and do the right thing not only at school but at home as well and that his behavior  from the previous morning would not be tolerated. I then explained to my growing superstar that if he could not behave the way I and his mother expect then we would take privileges away from him. This included privileges such as t.v. iPods and or basketball. To which my son looked me dead in the eye and said, just as a matter of fact as anything he's ever said to me....

But dad, you need me on that team to win games..... 

Maybe he's taking this whole love me some me thing a bit to far. 

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Was Woolly Right???

So I'm not a big believer in old folk wisdom or urban legends. You know things like throwing salt over your left should for good luck, or is it right? I can never remember. Or how about the break a mirror and have 7 years bad luck thing. Or even the Facebook posts that tell me if I don't repost I'm going to hell or that Jesus doesn't love me.

But the woolly worm. Now there's a dude I can believe in.

Old folk wisdom says that the Woolly Worm can predict the forecast for the upcoming winter.

According to legend, the wider the middle brown section is the milder the coming winter will be. So, a narrow brown band is said to predict a harsh winter.

I can't remember this past fall what the woolly worms looked like around here, but I do remember conversations about how people thought we would have a bad winter because of these guys. We've had snow, ice, school closings and negative, bone chilling cold temperatures. I know what you're thinking. Yeah but you're in Indiana it's always cold and snowy in the winter there. Well, if the weather here hasn't convinced you......

Ask somebody in Atlanta......

Thanks for the heads up Woolly....