Monday, October 31, 2011

My Uncool Moment...

Hey Lifers...

Ok so through the years I've been know to be a little scatter brained. You know simple stuff like driving the wrong way down a one way street, getting lost in a strange town, forgetting where my keys are. Nothing major, but things that definitely make the DW question my senility.

So this past weekend the DW and I went out to dinner. We went to a new place, had a great dinner and an overall great evening.

Now before I go any further let me give you a little back story.

My DW has discovered this Sims like game about cooking on her phone. Every down second she has of every day she plays this stupid game. I have no idea what it is, I just know she's addicted to it.

Ok so moving on....

So we go to this restaurant and we put our names in at the hostess station. I head to the bathroom while she has a seat and begins playing that stupid game on her phone.

I make my way to the bathroom. I walk in and head toward the back. There's someone in the first stall so I opt for the second. And no I wasn't doing the 2.

I start going pee. I know great visual right? Anyway, while I'm standing there, I hear voices. At first they sound like maybe they're out in the lobby. Ladies voices. Then they appear to be louder. Then suddenly it dawns on me. I look around...then I see something that looks like this...

OMG. OMG.OMG.....I'M IN THE LADIES RESTROOM....OMG. OMG. OMG. So I finish my business. What, I had to go.

My mind races. What in the world am I gonna do? OMG. I know. I'll text the wife and have her come in here and make sure the coast is clear before I walk out. This is my text:  Omg help I'm in the women's bathroom.

So I climb on top of the toilet and wait for her. She doesn't answer for what seems like forever. I'm starting to panic. What do I do? I'm stuck in the women's bathroom. There's no way we're eating here if someone catches me in here. Where is she? Why hasn't she come in here?

All the while women are coming and going. Washing hands, going potty, doing whatever women do in here. OMG where is she.

So at this point it's pretty obvious that my DW is either putting me through the best punishment imaginable, or she's playing that stupid game and not checking her text. I've got one shot. I've gotta just do it like removing a band-aid. Just open the door and go as fast as I can.

I make sure I don't hear anybody washing hands and make a break for it.

I manage to get out without anybody, that I know of, seeing me. I walk out and notice, sure enough the DW has her head buried in her phone playing her game.

I tell her to check her text, and explain to her what happened. Her dork.


Leave me a comment Lifers.....

Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Argument...

Hey Lifers...

Ok so last night the DW and I were fortunate enough to be clown free around dinner time. So naturaly we decided to go out and get a decent meal. You know, a meal that is served on a plate, has a leafy dish before the main course. That kind.

So anyway, we have a nice long meal and afterwards end up at ol' faifthful. That's right. Anyone who's been following A Day in the Life long enough knows that Target is the last leg of our clown free evening. We always end up at Target.

While I usually don't mind, because I'm an awesome husband like that, last night was different.
I was up pretty late the night before and only got about five hours sleep. So after dinner, I myself was more than content with heading back home and plopping my tired butt in front of the t.v, until bed.

But Noooooooo. She wanted to go to Target.

Now here's the thing. It might have been different if she wanted to go to Target because we needed a few things, and she knew exactly what she was after. But Noooooo.

You see we are getting our family pictures done next week, and we had to get new outfits...Two things wrong with this.

1. My wife is a professional photographer. People pay her to take their pictures. She is very, very good at what she does. I'm not sure why we are going to someone else to have ours done? Isn't that like a plumber calling Roto-Rooter when his sink backs up?

And  second.


Which means she had no clue as to what we were getting once we were in there. She wanted to look. Ladies do you have any idea how painful this is for us? I mean really? Walking around behind your wife in the ladies section while she touches every garment of clothing only to decide that she doesn't like it. And if by some chance she does find THE ONE, she has to try it on.

So this is where I gracefully bow out and opt for the electronics. Which for us fellas is the only place we can escape. It's sort of like the garage of department stores. So there I am aimlessly wandering through the electronics of Target. But Target's electronics is more like a shed than a garage, and after going up and down the aisles twice I'm done.

Meanwhile my date has decided to kick this party up a notch and has taken 5 articles of clothing into the dressing room when the company policy clearly states only 3 items allowed. Woo Hoo...Again, only to decide that none of them look right.

Upon her return from the changing room I tell her let's go. Let's get outta here. I don't want to wander Target anymore. I think Brundon the Target night watchman has already been called to follow the suspicious middle aged white male in the navy hoodie who is clearly casing the joint.

Which leads to The Argument.

Ahh yes. All couples have this argument, and I'd say married couples with clowns have this arguemt more than anyone else. The arguement of what do you want to do?

So we get to the car and she explains that we were in town, and Target is right here, and we new outfits. Why can't she look? Because I don't want to?

So what do you want to do?

Now at this point I was too affraid to tell her that what I wanted to do was go home put my comfy pants on, maybe grab a beer and watch the World Series. But instead I say I don't know, but I know exactly what I don't want to do.

We continue The Argument inside the car. Why is it that we always have to go where you wanna go, I whine. Because you never wanna go anywhere.

Whatever...So now what do you want to do, I ask. Well T.J. Max is right there, I wanna go over there....Whoo effin Hoo. You can stay in the car, you don't even have to go in, she tells me. Even better. Sitting outside waiting on my date as she finishes up our evening. What could be better. Half an hour later she sends me two texts that she's in the check out. I then proceed to send her one hundred an two reply texts that say ok. Yep, thats right. One hundy and two.

 After yelling at me on the way home she's all like..Why did you send me all those texts...and I'm all like...because you sent me two that said you were on your way. And she was all like....yeah I sent you two, you sent me like a hundred. To which I was like...yeah I sent you a hundred and two. And she was all like why did you send me that many. And I was all like...because I'm a hundred times better than you...bwahahahaha.

Yeah so most of this post was written while following the Target


Thursday, October 27, 2011


Hey Lifers...

So I had a few things I was going to  post tonight, but then while I was screwing off, I mean working today, I came across an article that said Beavis and Butt-head were back on the air.

That's right Lifers, the boys who brought you the controversial Fire, Fire, Fire, and Frog Baseball will air all new episodes tonight on MTV.

Incase you don't know. Beavis and Butt-head are two 15 year old boys who are, unfortunately, like a lot of 15 year old boys. They make fun of everything and everybody, they are gross, and they are always trying to get chicks. Now the original episodes found the boys sitting on a couch making fun of music videos on MTV. Remember when they used to actually have videos on MTV? Yeah me too. So anyway, in the new episodes the boys will make fun of current MTV shows such as Jersey Shore, and 16 and Pregnant. You had me at making fun of Jersey Shore.

OK so I know B&B are childish. I know their morons, and I know that I will only become dumber for watching them. Or is it more dumber? Or maybe it's more stupider? Or maybe I'll get more dumber and more stupider for watching them?

Either way, I'm watchin'.

So tell me, did you watch the original episodes? Have you ever watched them? And will you watch the new episodes?

Huh Huh...Huh Huh..That's cool.


Monday, October 24, 2011

What I learned on vacation...

Hey Lifers..

So as you know we went to Disney World last week. We had a great time. We met the mouse and his wife, girlfriend, partner, whatever she is. We rode the rides, saw the parade, swam in the ocean and in general had a great time.

Along the way I learned a few things about my family. You know you tend to get to know people when you're in a van for 14 hours. Yes, unfortunately we drove down there. We had that van so packed full of crap that the Clampett's would have made fun of us.

So anyway without further ado, here are the things I learnt on my vacation. I know you ain't s'posed to say learnt, but I figured with the whole Hillbillies go to Disney thing and all I'd just go with it.

...I learnt that I truly am a Road Ninja. I drove 911 miles one way, straight through on the return trip. This is nearly a 15 hour drive to a mortal. However, I did it in 14 flat, stopped for lunch, hit the drive thru for dinner, got gas twice and peed. Yeah, I'm Batman.

...I learnt that my oldest clown discovered that sand does goes where the sun don't shine.

...I learnt that my youngest clown is torn between two lovers. Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean. We rode a Star Wars ride twice and the Pirates three times. And he'd have stayed in the gift shops all day had we let him.

...I also learnt that said boy clown would have been content to drive 911 miles just to jump on the beds in the hotel.

...I learnt that my middle clown is a princess through and through. Although I already knew that, so I guess it was more of a confirmation.

...I learnt that it is scientifically impossible for all three of my clowns to get along for longer than two hours while on vacation.

...I learnt that clowns do not tell you when they sort of have to go to the bathroom but rather they wait until they...gotta go really bad.

...I learnt that my oldest clown enjoys scary rides, and the other two do not.

...I learnt that a clown will spit in your face, if you're holding them in the ocean with waves crashing in on you. 

...I learnt that I, just like my father before me, managed to make my child cry on a ride at Disney. Damn you Space Mountain.

Speaking of crying.

...I learnt that for the Happiest Place on Earth, there sure were a lot of kids crying there.

...I learnt that the boy child thinks it's appropriate to scream/sing, This is How We Do it, over and over while on the crapper in the hotel room. Who knew?

...I learnt that all in all vacations like this bring your family closer together, and give your clowns something to remember for the rest of their lives.

...I learnt that I'd do it all over again just to watch 'em have fun.



Saturday, October 22, 2011

Our Trip...

Hey Lifers...

So here are just a few pictures of our trip to Disney World. I took these with my phone, so they're not the greatest pictures. 

This is one of the Restarunts, T-Rex, at Downtown Disney
We went to Coco Beach one day. It was a bit overcast and sort of windy, but we were able to get in the water, and surprisingly the water was warmer than at the hotel pool. Here is one of the clowns on the Pier.

Again at Downtown Disney
Front of the Lego store at Downtown Disney. It's a Dragon made out of Lego's in the lake. Pretty Cool

Next day we took a Ferry into Disney World. You can see the Castle in the background. Again it was overcast, but it was almost 80 degrees.
Walking into the park

And of course. Disney World Main Street at the end of the day.



Thursday, October 13, 2011

T'was the Night Before....

Hey Lifers....

So tonight is the night before the big family vacation. As I mentioned the other day, we've been pretty busy getting ready this week. And when I say we've been busy getting ready, of course I mean the DW.
She's spent much of this week getting clothes washed, and suitcases packed. But that's not to say that I haven't been busy this week my self. After all, I did watch three episodes of Friday Night Lights and three episodes of a new show I was introduced to called, The League, via Net Flix.

Which just so happens to be my new favorite love.

Now we've had Net Flix for awhile through the PlayStation, but I always just thought it was for movies. Little did I know that you can actually watch t.v episodes too. I of course blame the DW for not telling me that this could be done. She's always keeping things from me. You know, the little things that make life easier or better. Annnddd get this. There's a search feature. All this time I thought Net Flix was a waste because there was never anything good on, who knew..again I blame the DW for not keeping me informed.

OK so anyway, tomorrow after work we will set sail for F.L.A, and Micky Town. Both the DW and I have been there before back when we were little, but haven't been since. We can't wait. It's going to be so much fun to see the clowns have fun and see it all through their eyes.

Wish us luck Lifers.....we may need it.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Catchin' Up...

Hey Lifers...

Ok so we've been awfully busy here at the Palace the last few days. As you may already know, we're getting ready to go on vacation. A real vacation. Not a stay-in-a-hotel-in-the-next-town-over-for-a-night type of vacation. I'm talking Disnley World here people. I'm talking about taking the family truckster across country, Clark W. Griswold style.Yeah we're getting excited.

On another note, the DW and I took the clowns to an orchard this past weekend. Hubers. This place was huge. It's a family farm, winery with just about everything you'd want.  I knew it was a big deal when they actually had people directing traffic to park. We had a pretty good time. We all enjoyed actually going out and picking our own apples. I hadn't done that since I was a kid. And because we couldn't just have one bag of apples and had to get three, we've now got apples coming out of our ears. 

Shifting gears yet again. 

Over the past weekend we had another flavored coffee moment. You know to celebrate the moments of our lives? Anyway, my youngest daughter had a friend call her just to talk. What? they're seven. What in the world do they have to talk about? But anyway, her friend called her and they chatted for about a half an hour. The DW of course got a picture of her on the phone. This was the first time someone not related called to talk to a clown.

Just last night that same clown decided she wanted to send Papaw a text. Again, her first. Soon after chatting with Papaw she said, dad I think we need a phone.

Who does, I said.

Me, E, and L she replies.

Yeah that's what you need. Just the other day the boy was running around the house with a pair of Underoos on his head pretending to be Captin Underpants.....

Maybe we'll wait a few more years on those phones Sweetie.


Leave me a comment Lifers.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Star Lite, Star Bright...

Hey Lifers....

So like most of you my mornings are pretty regimented. I pretty much have it down to a science. I know, down to the last minute what time I have to leave before I'm late. I know, down to the last minute, what time I have to get up before I'm late.

I take no longer the 30 minutes to get ready. Eat your heart out ladies. I set my clothes out and sometimes make my lunch the night before, so that helps. I shower, get dressed, feed the cat and dog, fix one cup of coffee, thank you DW for the coffee maker, and I'm out the door.

My routine does not change much. Some days I may shovel a bowl of Fruit Loops or Frosted Flakes down my pie hole, but that's about the only change. Five days a week at 6 am.

For the last week or so, after opening the garage door to the cool sunless morn, I'm noticed a clear star filled sky. It seems picture perfect, and I say to myself, wow.

But time is of the essence, remember I have it down pat, and I don't have time to stop and smell the roses. So I move on. I get in my car and start my day.

But today? Today was different. Today I stopped. I stood there in my driveway looking up at the sky. I tried to find the big and little dipper. I pretended to know the other constellations. I marvel at the beauty. At the magnitude of how small we really are on this planet. In this universe. I'm amazed at how clear it is. At how the stars light up the sky. It's dark and cool out. The only light is a distant street lamp. My neighbors and family lay still in their beds. I stand there motionless looking up.

After a few minutes I realize.....Crap, gotta go. Gonna be late. 


Sometimes we just have to slow down and take a look around.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Like a Virgin....

Hey Lifers...

Ok so the Super Bowl is in my hometown of Indianapolis this year. And as if things couldn't get worse for the image of the Indianapolis Colts, with Manning being out and all, but now the NFL has gone and announced that Madonna will be this years halftime act.


C'Mon Man.

Look, Madonna was cool back ten or fifteen years ago I guess, but besides kissing Brittney, what has she done that was relevant since?

Man, talk about a kick in the unmentionables. First the Colts suck and now our Super Bowl is gonna suck.


Saturday, October 1, 2011

Name Your Price

Hey Lifers...

Everyone has a price.

Awhile back I posted here about how I visited McDonald's and they asked me to do something that made me feel very uncomfortable. If you haven't read it yet, just click on the word here, and it will take you right to it.  I highly recommend you read it.

After I posted about my little adventure, I received some feedback. A few people thought I was crazy. One thought I should have been arrested, and a couple thought good for you and offered support. I even had one person explain they just might follow in my footsteps from now on.

I thought that was pretty cool. I never claim to be a pioneer of anything but hey, if someone wants to do what I do or did, because it inspired them, that's awesome.

I felt pretty good about my post. Heck I felt pretty good about my adventure, about who I was and what I stood for.

A few weeks after this post my DW was on the phone. The person on the other end told her to let me know that at a different McDonald's, when they make you feel uncomfortable, they give you a coupon for something free.

Turns out my inspiration only goes as far as a fee smoothie. I guess it's better than a McRib...those things are nasty.


Leave me a comment lifers...