Sunday, February 27, 2011

Sick and Tired

Ok lifers, I apologize for the hiatus, as I've been sick. I woke up Thursday night around 2 am to meet Ralph, and it hasn't been pleasant since. In fact the entire clan, minus Miss E, has been sick for the last week or so. 

You know you've heard the bad drunk? Well I'm sort of a bad sick, I'll admit it. However, I do not take full responsibility for it. You see I am the baby in my family. Which, as we all know, means I was somewhat spoiled. Now there may be some debate on that somewhat, depending on which one of my siblings you talk to, but none the less. So growing up whenever I got sick, mommy would always take care of me. She was always sympathetic to my sickness, and just wanted me to get better.

Over the last nine years that I've been married, I've come to realize that my DW does not have that same sympathy for my being sick.

Now granted, I'm a bad sick I get that. I'm loud, I moan, I grown, I ask her to feel my head every ten minutes or so, honey do I feel hot? But let me explain a little the way the last 24 hours has gone.

Again, I wake up around 2 am feeling as though demons have festered deep within my stomach. I moan and grown. I go to the bathroom. After a few false alarms it finally happens, and it's loud. This I can not control. It feels like I am being turned inside out. Now keep in mind a few days prior to this the DW herself was in this very same position. To which of course I got up and asked her if there was anything I could do to help. I got her a wet washcloth, a glass of water, and in-between Ralphs, I clean the bowl.

So for me, in-between my moaning, groaning and convulsions, I comment that I hate throwing-up. To which my DW replies, I hate it when you throw-up too, as she slams a glass of water on the bathroom counter. Apparently my puking was loud and annoying and woke her up. 

Later, as my head radiates and my body is freezing, I explain to her that I am sooo cold. I ask her, honey feel me? And without even a little hesitation, she replies.. No. But honey I'm soo cold.

Now here's the part that scares me. I have flu like symptoms, my head is pounding, and I haven't eaten anything in a day or so. I'm at my weakest, and I just need somebody to comfort me. And this is the response I get:

You know all your moaning and growing is getting on my nerves.

Now I know, I'm pretty sure, that she'd take care of me should something ever happen, but you know a little sympathy wouldn't hurt. Maybe I'll start being nicer to the clowns just in case.


So tell me Lifers how are you when your sick? Are you loud and miserable like me? Or are you quite and go about your business?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Random Rants

Ok Lifers normally I would do my random rants Thursday, which this post started out as random rants, but I'm changing it up a bit. I want to take you through an official portion of A Day in the Life. Enjoy
Frequently I am texted by the DW with a list of items for me to pick up at the Evil Empire, you know, bread, milk, t.p, whatever. And frequently this request is followed by and a prize for me.

Now let me just say this is the kiss of death for any husband. You see my DW has requested a prize? So here I am on my way home. I have 30 minutes to think about what type of prize she wants. Thirty minutes to read her mind. Typically I will text back....why don't you just tell me what you want. That of course is followed by something like...then it wouldn't be a surprise...Nice.

So as I enter through the gates of Hell, I begin my quest. Do I go with a clothing item? New shirt? Nah. Pick up first item on the requested list. She's always complaining that she needs a new bra and panties? No way, not here. I come here like every day, to embarrassing. Not to mention I'd need to know sizes, and you know I'd get that wrong.  Think, think.What did she say last week that she wished she had? Dang it, I need to listen more. Pick up more items on list. Ok scower the isles it will come to me... Nothing. Flowers? She claims she doesn't like 'em. Magazine, book? She just reads those online, not to mention she has a ton of photog mags she's reading now. Pick up rest of items on list. Shopping is done, dang it what does she want? Let's try health and beauty. Soap, lotion? Those aren't very good prizes. Perfume? Not from here, to cheap. Dang it, I should pay more attention when she says she needs something. Ok what about food? I always get her a Kit-Kat. But she does love 'em. Ok maybe some other type of food? Crap, I've been wandering this store for nearly 40 minutes now, and I still don't have a PRIZE. DANG IT WOMAN WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. Back to the front of store, nearing check-out. I think my roaming up and down every isle mumbling to myself has alerted the store security.

Finally check out and on my way home. 

Upon my return home, here, I got you a Kit-Kat........


Ok so leave me a comment. I love to hear from you.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Hey Lifers another edition of Wordless Wednesday. Now I know this picture really stinks, but I had to tell on myself.

You know I believe there comes a point in every body's life when you just don't care any longer about something. Today, for me, it was fashion. This is what I went to the Gym and ran in today. Again, I know the picture quality is bad so let me explain a little. One black sock, one dark blue sock. Faded black shorts, and a blue t-shirt. Today I saw myself and just thought eh so what.

So let me know Lifers. Do I look like an 80 year old man? Also what is something you've come to just no longer care about?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Celebrity Love

Alright Lifers. Today as I was working thinking of something to blog about, I decided I'd try the latest headlines to get a little inspiration.
I quickly scanned Yahoo....Nothing of interest really. There was some stupid article about Mike Tyson and how he's found peace with pigeons. Lame.
There was an article about feet, and how they show signs of your health. Now I love feet just as much as the next sicko guy, but thought that might be more of a couch session than a blog post.
There was something about great jobs people love. Right. Like that's reality.

So I decided I'd flip on over to MSNBC and see what they had cooking. Upon my arrival I scrolled down, and there it was.

Milano pregnant with first child.

Yes that's right. It seems Alyssa Milano is having her first child, and despite all my wishes as a 12 year old boy, I was not involved.

See Alyssa was my very first celebrity love. Now don't get me wrong, as a young boy I had the Farrah poster, and I believe I even had one of Bo Derek, you know with the dreads and the beads, but Alyssa was my girl.

As a young boy, I got a few of those Teen Beat Magazines and put her pictures on my walls. I wrote her a letter or two exclaiming how I was such a huge fan, and even though she was older than me, only by 6 months 30 days, I still thought we could make it work.

So I watched Who's the Boss every Tuesday night, and endured the ridicule from my older sister, later followed her on Charmed, and even Melrose Place.

As time went by, despite the fact that I know we would have connected right away, the timing was just never right for us. We were always just so busy, or in relationships, oh and there was that whole she's a celebrity thing, but whatever.

So I'm glad to see that she's finally moving on and having a child of her own. I know it hasn't been easy all these years waiting on me.  And I'm sure we'll see each other here an there, like on those NFL Ladies Wear commercials, or on re-runs of My Name is Earl, or something like that. 

So anyway, I just had to give a shout out to Alyssa today and say congrats on the clown, and sorry that we couldn't make it work, but maybe it's for the best.


So tell me, who was your first celebrity love, and why?

Monday, February 21, 2011

Raising Funds

OK Lifers, I know the typical school fund raiser is for good causes, and I get that, but as a parent I can honestly say, I hate them. Now I don't know how it works around your house, but here's what usually happens around The Palace.
The DW brings home the dreaded order form with a catalog or two. Usually these catalogs have Crap in them, and I mean Crap that nobody wants. Now the food ones are OK, pricey, but most of the time OK. But here's the thing. My DW insists that I take these things to work with me. Most of the time you feel guilty or obligated to buy something because just a few weeks ago the guy sitting next to you bought something right? So no matter what it is, you HAVE to buy something. So what do you do? You look for the cheapest thing in this craptastic catalog right? You stick your name on it, and buy 1. Whatever. OK fair enough. I bought something from you, you bought something from me, we have now fulfilled the school fund raiser obligation for our respective schools. Thank goodness our clowns go to different schools.

So that's not even the half of it.

What about the money exchange? You always have that one person who can't pay you right now, and wants to know if they can give it to you next week? Here's the thing about that. Do I give them their stuff now, or wait until they pay to give it to them? Now if I was running some sort of lone shark business I'd give them the stuff when they've got the money right? But since I'm not Tony Soprano, I give them the stuff right away. So now I have to trust that they're going to pay. Now I've got that whole, how many times do I remind them next week that they still owe me money without sounding like a jerk thing going on. Is Monday too soon? But the money is due to the school by Wednesday, so if I don't get the money by then, it comes out of my pocket. Yeah, like I want an extra potato peeler and rubber jar opening thingy.

But now here's the real question. How responsible am I for the merchandise once the sale is final? Like let's just say the items come in and they don't look like the beautiful pictures of the cheese and sausage that the catalog made them out to be. Or what if they taste horrible? Or what if in a week or so the oven mitt you purchased for $19.94, because they're never an exact dollar amount either, catches on fire while it's still on your hand, and causes third degree burns to the left side of your body. Now let's say you have to go to the emergency room because of the cheap oven mitt I sold you and they have to do skin graphs on a third of your body. Now you can't work for six months, which means you can't afford to send your kid to Mount Rushmore on the school trip, so somebody starts a fund raiser on your behalf, and sticks a craptastic catalog on my desk. Now I ask you,  am I obligated to buy more than the cheapest thing?


So let me know Lifers what you think about the dreaded School Fund Raiser. Surely I'm not the only one righ?

Saturday, February 19, 2011


Below is an office memo I'd love to send out.

Now I believe it goes without saying that I am speaking mostly of in the men's room here, but ladies there may be a few takeaways for you as well so please read closely. This is something that has sadly been on my mind for some time now, and hopefully we can all read this, pass it on to our co-workers, who in turn pass it on to their co-worker and friends, and maybe eventually, I won't be grossed out every time I go to the men's room here at work. 

With that said, I'm not sure why it's called the men's room. It would be more appropriate if it was labeled the men's dungeon or something like that, because It's certainly  not a room a want to spend any time in, but I digress.

So here's a few things regarding bathroom etiquette at work, again for you ladies, I apologize, some of these items may be items you've never encountered in your little house on the prairie, however I don't suggest you stop reading. People need to know this. As much as it may pain us all, you may reap some benefits.

First of all men. We are all grown-ups here. Let's stop with the flipping, or wiping of your nasal mucus on the stalls and walls. Nobody, and I mean Nobody wants to see that.

Here's another thing fellas. Regardless of our work status relationship, I'm not big on the chit-chat at the urinal. Let's just get in and get out shall we? And while we're at the urinal, lets get the stance right. If you are either to lazy or to tired to stand up straight, go have a seat. There really should be no reason to lean over and put your free arm on the wall. Along with that, we're not peeing for distance here. Belly up to the bar so we're not leaving puddles that somebody has to stand in later. Got it.

Next let's discuss the whole, dropping the kids off at the pool procedures. Again, this should be a get in and get out process, with no extra sounds, grunts, or whatever else. The only way we should know you're in there is by the door being closed. If you must take a newspaper into the stall with you, please just go ahead and throw it away. Do not. I repeat do not put it back in the break room. And here's the thing. It's a small room, and I get that the btu's per watt on the fan is not adequate to keep the place smelling spring fresh. So why not help us all out and go with the old leave one, flush one method. Again, let's keep in mind, this experience should not be treated like it's Saturday morning, and you've got nothing better to do. After all you are at work pal. Let's keep it moving.

Last thing gents. WASH YOUR HANDS. And I'm not talking about the two second get 'em wet just to make an appearance at the sink type of washing. I'm talking about getting some soap, rubbing your hands together and actually washing them. This is what I tell my 4 year old, Make Bubbles Buddy. If it helps, try singing the alphabet song. When the song's done, your done, all clean. Good Job Buddy. And for crying out loud, make sure the paper towels get put in the trashcan. It's really not that hard.

Alright, let's pass this along and keep our men's room worthy of entering in the future.



Let me know if I missed anything? What drives you crazy about the bathrooms where you work?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Random Rants

Hey Lifers. Just some random thoughts for today. Not really enough of one thing to make a post, so I put them all together sort of replacing the Random thoughts Thursday. Enjoy

The DW and I went to Victoria Secret the other day. I always feel a little uncomfortable when I go in that store. I just feel like I don't know where to put my eyes?


Here's a recent text conversation the DW and I had

Me: Can you take the trash out, I wanted to run tonight and not sure when I'll be home.
Me: Hey don't worry about the trash. I'm not going to run tonight.
DW: Just got the message about the trash..Umm u wanted me to go out in the freezing cold to haul stinky trash?!?  Gross.
Me: Well yeah. See I thought we were helping each other out now a days? Remember me helping with dinner? Salsa? That's what we do right?
DW: U didn't help with those?!
Me: I did too. You asked me to open the cans for the salsa. That's what I did. You asked me to open the box of Mac and cheese and pour it in. That's what I did.
DW: I'd freeze my boo-tay off !!!
Me: I don't think you'd be out there That  long.

I don't think she got it.

The other night the DW cooked an awesome Valentines Day dinner. It was the same thing she cooked for me the very first time she ever cooked for me when we were dating. Here's what the conversation around the table sounded like with the clowns.

Me: Guys this is the first dinner that mommy ever made daddy
Miss E: So when you were a baby and had no teeth you had this?
Me: No not my mommy, your mommy.
Miss O: Do we remember it?
DW: No, this was the first meal that mommy made for daddy when we were dating.
Miss E: Yeah you guys weren't even born yet. I... think I was though.
DW: No, none of you guys were born yet.
Me: Yeah this is the meal that started it all.
Mini-Me: What was it?
Me: It was this! This meal ! This is the first thing that mommy made me. I remember we ate on a coffee table that night.
Miss O: No dad, we don't remember (she said puzzled)

It was like a bad Abbott and Costello skit.

I secretly love the Hobby Lobby. Not like all the beads and yarn stuff, but pretty much everything else.

Oh and Fed Ex can Suck It.


So let me hear ya Lifers. Tell me your Rants for today.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Hey Lifers, welcome back to Wordless Wednesday. Here's a picture of an overhead door in our building. I know it's hard to read, but the middle yellow sign at the bottom reads: Raise Door Before Entering. Really? Really??


Tell me what you think. Should we be offended that someone felt the need to put this sign on the door to begin with?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Tuesday's 10

Ok so last week for the Tuesday's 10 I did ten things I can not live without. Today Lifers, I will grace you with 10 things I can live without. Again, in no real order.

1. Spiders-  I hate spiders. I mean I hate them to the point that if I talk about them or see them, I have been known to have nightmares. I will be kicking and screaming, and the DW will have to wake me up, and immediately she knows what the dream was about. I believe they are my Hell.

2. Zits- I mean come on. I'm nearly 40 years old. Really? I still need a zit on my chin? I'm not sure which is worse getting them when you're in your awkward teen years, or when you're a grown man with gray hair? At least when your in your teen years all your friends have them too.

3. Nose hair- I'm pretty sure I can live with out nose hair. At this point in my life it seems like there's a lot of maintenance with the nose hair.

4. PMS - I'm sure it's no picnic for you ladies either, but not only do I have to deal with it with the DW, but I've got two girlie clowns that will go through this as well one day. Not looking forward to that.

5. Headaches - Now I don't get migraines like some people do, so I can only imagine what they go through, but I get my fair share of headaches. And I hate 'em. I can definitely live without them.

6. Grass - I hate to mow the grass. We have a pretty big lot, and hate it. If I weed eat and mow the entire place it takes me about 3 ~ 4 hours. Now I'm sure some of you will say well with out grass, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. I hate having to mow. I've got a great grass lawn mower story I'll post in a month or so. Stay tuned, it's Epic.

7. Old age -  I've always thought that our lives are backwards. It seems like it would make more sense if we were born old and got younger toward the end of our lives. Seems like by the time we were done, we wouldn't know anything, and we would be all cute and people would want to take care of us. Not some slobbering, smelly old raisin that our kids fight over to decide who has to keep us.Yeah I could live without old age.

8. Pet hair-  We have a dog and a cat. Although the dog doesn't come in the house much, but I hate the pet hair. But do you think we would touch them if they were bald? I can live without pet hair and the shedding.

9. Thunderstorms - Now me personally, I'm not afraid of storms or tornadoes for that matter, but my mother-in-law is, and she's persistent. We don't have a basement, she does, and we live 15 minutes away. I'm sure you can figure it out. Every time we have even a chance of a storm, she is on the phone. Now I know she is only looking out of us, but I think I could live without storms altogether.

10. Laundry - I'm sure this goes without saying really. I mean who likes or enjoys doing laundry right? And you know there are five of us, so this is a never ending battle. Not only is it never ending, but this is one war that can not be won.


So tell me what are some things that you can live without in your life. I'd love to hear your comments.


Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines Day

Ok Lifers, so today is Valentines Day, Happy Valentines Day. Around our house it is usually pretty traditional. The clowns, minus Mini-me, have a valentines day party at school. This of course consists of us buying valentines and letting the girls sign their name. Now I suppose we could get all fancy and create some sort of cards that all the kids would love, but we're all about the quick and easy. Just buy some, stick your name on em, and lets move on. Leave that creative stuff for parents with just one kid.

As for the DW and I. Again, nothing out of the ordinary really, we exchange cards, maybe a small gift and some candy. For this year, we actually celebrated this weekend as I'm sure a lot of couples did. We had an awesome time. The clowns stayed at the in-laws overnight so we spent the entire day Saturday just the two of us. It had been awhile since we were able to do that, and we had a great time. I of course spent the day telling her how beautiful she looked with her new hair New Hair, and she of course agreed with me. We did a little shopping (and I didn't complain), we had dinner, and afterwards spent the evening cuddled on the couch watching t.v.

So no major power post today, as if any of them are power post, no crazy stories, and no drama to report. Just a nice weekend spent with my Valentine.


So tell me how you spent your VD? Did you go out this past weekend or are you celebrating today/tonight? Or perhaps you could care less? Either way, I enjoy the feedback.

Friday, February 11, 2011

New Hair

Ok Lifers, I have to get this off my chest. Now I'm sure the women Lifers out there will think I'm a jerk, but maybe the men can relate. But I've gotta put it out there.

The other day I come home from work, and the DW mentions that she was going to do something tomorrow. Now she says this all sly and fifth grader-ish like she just can't wait to spill the beans.

So I play along and say, what?

Again, she repeats something. Again, swaying back and forth as if we are on the school playground and she has a note that says I like you, do you like me circle yes or no, but doesn't want to give it to me.

So of course I guess right away that she's going to go get her hair done. Soon after she posts on Facebook how she's going to get new hair tomorrow.  

Boo -Ya , Nailed it.

Later that night she asks me what I think she should do with it? Of course, I give the typical male answer here. I dunno? Whatever?

The following day. The BIG DAY. The day of the BIG EVENT. She again, posts on FB how today's the day. New hair. Yippee, and all that jazz. So at this point I'm thinking she's going to come home basically with a new head right? I mean surely if you went through the trouble of posting it on FB it has to be Epic, right?

So after the BIG EVENT is over, she sends me some pictures on the phone. Naturally you can't see much, but I was puzzled at what I did see.

That night I arrived back at The Palace to see my lovely DW sitting in her usual spot working. When I approached her she asked me if I got the pictures of her new hair, and I told her I did but couldn't see much on the phone, but I could tell the difference. The difference being she added dark red highlights to her already long, still long brown hair. So of course she asks me what I think about her new hair.

Stop right here.

Now I've been married long enough now to know that this is not a real question. She doesn't really want to know what I think. She wants me to tell her that it looks great, and that I love the red highlights, and that's exactly what I would have done, had I been a chick with shoulder length brown hair, and wanted new hair. I know this. Deep down, I really know this. However, the words that come out of my mouth are not always reflective of the thoughts that are inside my head. Thoughts that I know I know.Here's how the conversation went.

Me: Yeah it looks OK..
DW: What do you think about the red streaks?
Me: Umm. I don't ..understand them? I thought you were going to to it?

And that's when the fight started. Well, it was more like an argument with her giving me that You Idiot look.

Now to me there didn't seem to be much that was new about it. No new length? No new major color change,  no new head? I didn't get it? I thought this was a BIG EVENT? You posted it on FB not just once, but twice. I thought this was the Summer of George (Seinfeld). I thought we were turning over some sort of new leaf or something, but instead, to me, it was Capone's vault.

Now she says she got it cut also, layered in fact, but I'm not sure what this is exactly, and I know I wouldn't be able to spot this on my own, but apparently it's was big deal as well. So now as I try to explain my lack of understanding for the red streaks, she quickly grabs the blackberry, and post OUR STATUS on Facebook.

So it's not bad enough that I have to be an insensitive jerk who doesn't get it in my own living room, but now I'm an insensitive jerk in the living room of all her 200 plus friends. Immediately the comments come pouring in, and yeah, I took a few lumps from the ladies on this one.

Now don't get me wrong here. The new hair looks great, and my DW is a beautiful women no matter if she has red streaks, green streaks, or shaves that head all Telly Savalas like. Probably just dated myself with the Cojack reference there didn't I? But It's not that I didn't like it, I just didn't get it?

So I guess I've learned my lesson again, the hard way, the next time she wants an answer needs an answer, I'll remember to give her the one she wants. Just another typical Day in the Life.


So tell me, guys, you ever stuck your foot in your mouth like this, and had to defend yourself to her friends as well? Ladies, how about you? Your fellas ever open mouth insert foot?

I'd love to hear your comments, so let me know. 


Thursday, February 10, 2011

Random Thought Thursday

Ok here are some Random Thoughts: I must admit, some of these are not my own.

  • Am I obligated to give someone a piece of gum just because they see me pulling the pack out of my pocket? 
  • The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm finishing a text.
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • There is definitely a need for a sarcasm font.
  • Why is lemon juice made from artificial flavors and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
  • Why do we turn the radio down in the car when we're lost and looking for an address?
  • Why do we call it a Pin Number. Isn't PIN short for personal identification number? 
  • Why is it at work, no one pays attention until you make a mistake?
  • There comes a point in every work day when you realize you are no longer going to be productive.  
  • Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Ok like I said some of these are not mine. So  tell me some of your random thought, and I'll add them to the Random Thoughts List for next week.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Ok Lifers today is again Wordless Wednesday. This is a picture I took while recently visiting the Evil Empire, otherwise known as Wal-Mart. Let me just say I hate Wal-Mart. I hate it, hate it, hate it. Mostly because where I live, we have nowhere else to shop. We have to drive at least 30 minutes into the next town to get to a Target, so naturally most of our money goes to this dreaded place. I took this picture because I wanted to show how Awesome Wal-Mart is. Look how much I saved on these potatoes. Notice the Falling Prices. Gee thanks Wally, you're too good to us.

So please tell me your Wal-Mart stories. I'm sure you've got some. Or maybe there is some other store that you despise as much as I despise this place. Either way I'd love to hear your comments. 


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Tuesday's 10

So Lifers, today is my new Tuesday 10, so here goes:

10 Things I can't live without, in no particular order.

1. My Family - I know obvious right? Now I know that life goes on and all that. But my family really does me so much to me, and not just the DW and Clowns. My entire family. They have all helped to make me who I am today, and I'm so grateful for their love and support through the years.

2. Music- I love it. I love playing it (although I'm not that good), and I love listening to it. It's been a very big part of my life, and something I can not live without. I love the way music makes us feel. I love the fact that we can associate events in our lives with music. I love the way music can make us think.

3. Coffee - Sadly I can not live without it. I know it's a crutch, but we all have 'em.

4. Laughter- Anyone who knows me knows that I myself am a clown. I always have been. I'd take a comedy over drama or history any day.

5. Andes mint candies- What can I say. I love 'em. I get a bag or two every year for Christmas. It's like one of life's sure things.

6. Art - I know music is an Art form, but it's different to me then say painting/drawing/photography. I love the arts, although I'm not an artsy person per se. Maybe I could live without it, but I don't ever want to find out. I love the people that can take the simplest thing/person and make it/them art. This is not something everybody can do. It takes a special person to be able to see the beauty in something and make it show.

7. Freedom - We are so blessed to live in this country where we have the freedoms we do. I thank God for this country, and the men and women who have served, past and present, to provide those freedoms.

8.The Internet - Ok so this one is a little sad right? But when I think about how we all use the Internet so much now a days. I don't think I could live without it. Now naturally if it had never been invented then that might be different, but it was, and I love it. Every morning, I read some news, sports, and everyday several times a day, I read blogs. I social network, my DW uses it for business purposes. Let's face it, I just couldn't live with out it.

9. The Razor - Not the phone. I'm talking about an actual razor. You know by Bic, or whoever. I don't think I could live without one. Now I usually have some sort of facial gruff, but there comes a point when that gruff gets to be to much for me. It starts to itch, look bad and for me the gray starts to come through. Not to mention all the uses for the DW. So yes, I don't think I could live without the razor.

10. Winter House Slippers/Summer Sweet Tea -  Ok so this is sort of a two part er. But In the winter I can not live without my house slippers. I'm not sure but I think this might very well classify me as old man. Also in the summer time, I can not live with my sweet tea. It's virtually all I drink in the summer. I make a pitcher of sweet tea just about daily. Again, I know it's a crutch but like I said we all have 'em. At least I didn't say crack or meth or something like that.

So tell me, what are a few things you can not live without? I'd love to hear your comments.


Monday, February 7, 2011

Super Sunday

Ok Lifers, so last night was the Super Bowl. We had a pretty lazy day around The Palace leading up to the big game. The clowns played most of the day, and the DW and I took naps. I on the couch, and her in the bedroom.

It wasn't until about 4 o'clock that I decided to go to the dreaded Wally World to get some snacks for the big game. So we had a nice dinner followed by snacks and treats before the game. I made the clowns come watch with me, and all of us sat in the living room as the NFL Championship began.

I thought the game itself was pretty good. I didn't really have a horse in the race, so to speak, so I didn't care to much who won. Mini-me had been saying all week that he was rooting for the Packers, then right at the coin toss, he decides that he wants the Steelers to win. Sorry buddy. Didn't happen.

So I thought the Halftime Show was horrible. The audio was terrible, Fergie botched Sweet Child O' Mine, and it looked like there were some lighting issues, oh and how about Christina Aguilera getting the words wrong to the National Anthem? Nice right? Look if your going to add your style to the National Anthem, then at least get the words right.

So in the end, it was a typical Super Bowl to me. It is an over hyped game. For some reason we have built this game, this day as some sort of holiday. But for me and my family, it was a nice little memory that I hope they remember for every. I know I can remember the first Super Bowl I watched with my dad. I don't remember the game really at all, other then the Steelers beat the Rams. But I remember watching it with my dad.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I thought the best commercial was for 1-800 Flowers (I think), with Faith Hill where some guy types out a note to his girlfriend that's from the heart. You Tube it if you didn't happen to see it. By far the funniest commercial in my opinion.


So tell me did you watch the game? Did you enjoy the game itself? Did you enjoy the halftime show? Or maybe you're like my DW who really only watches the commercials? If so did any stick out more so then others?

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Hot and Bothered

Ok Lifers so what does it take to get you hot and bothered?

Now before you turn away thinking this is one of those blogs, stay with me here.

Yesterday, well actually, I guess sometime Friday night I found out what it takes for me. You see Saturday morning was a very typically cold frigid morning here. Nothing really new for this time of year, although Old Man Winter has been better to us this year then most, again, showing my love for winter.

So anyway, unlike most Saturday mornings, we actually had plans for this day. The girls had a cheer camp at the school in the morning, so mini-me and myself were going to tag along in the dropping off process, and then maybe run some errands with the DW while the girls were getting their cheer on. 

Now I was up first, got the coffee going, and began making the waffles that the DW had promised the night before. See that's the thing about the clowns, they don't forget, and at the store the night before the DW says hey lets get some strawberries and I'll make waffles in the morning and we can put strawberries on them. Now I'm sure what she meant to say was, hey lets get some strawberries and when you get up first, like you always do on the weekends, and the clowns want to eat, you can make them waffles. Oh and I'm going to mention it now so that they won't forget in the morning.

So like I said, I start making the waffles. I'm under the impression that we have about an hour before we have to be out the door, so I begin to speed things up a bit. I notice it's a little colder in The Palace then normal, but at the moment I don't have time to think about that I've got to get coffee, waffles and oh don't forget the strawberries, (thanks love) going. So a little bit later the DW stumbles into the kitchen and mentions how cold it is. She goes to check the thermostat, comes back and says the furnace is not coming on...Nice.

So now I'm forced to put my handy man hat on and see if I can't figure out what's going on. Usually this means the pilot light has gone out. It's a self igniting furnace, so it should be a piece of cake, just follow the 5 easy steps on the inside panel to heated bliss. Step one. Turn power off. Step two turn gas off. Step three wait five minutes. Step four turn power back on. Step five ignite.






Nothing.....Read instructions further....If furnace does not ignite after three attempts, call your local service provider...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Meanwhile the DW and the girls head out to cheer camp, probably just to get warm, and the boy and I stay in the frozen tundra.

An hour or so later, the service guy has been called, and will be out soon.

Needless to say, some three-hundred plus dollars later, we are hot, and I am most definitely bothered.

J -Tony

So tell me Lifers, what's gotten you hot and bothered lately. I'd love to hear your feedback.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Mad Skillz

Ok Lifers, so the other day we had an issue here at The Palace that forced me and the DW to use our mad parenting skills.

Now you know how some days you just drudge through the day, hoping and praying you get it right, and that nobody gets hurt in the process?

Well this one was a little more challenging. See every night, before I tuck the clowns in bed, I tell them tomorrow make good decisions, do the right thing, be smart, and be a leader. I've been performing these Jedi Mind tricks on my clowns for so long now, that from time to time I have to explain to them what they mean again.

So anyway, the other day the oldest clown made a poor decision at school. Now again, she's in the 3rd grade. That's going to happen right?

But here's the thing. I wasn't a  very good, good student. I didn't always make the best decisions as a child either. Heck who am I kidding, even as a young adult I didn't make the best decisions. So it's real hard for me to get on her to much. Plus, and I'll be real honest here, I didn't know exactly what to do? I mean, on one hand I thought, eeh, that's not that bad. On the other hand I thought, what she did was wrong and she needs to be punished.

So anyway, the DW and I mulled over her punishments. We took away privileges, video games, t.v, whatever we could think of at the time. Now maybe for some clowns these punishments are like 25 to life in the State Pen,  but for this one, she loves to read. So to her no t.v and video games just means kick back, get in your own world, and read a book.
This clown loves to read so much so that one day the DW and I caught her reading a dictionary.... on purpose. 

So maybe that's not a great punishment. We thought of some more, and again used our mad parenting skills. This time deciding that there would be school punishment as well as additional home punishment. Quickly the DW texts her teacher. After a little chit-chat, it's decided that she would stay in from her recess and do extra school work...Math in fact. Nobody likes math right? It was the perfect punishment for a third grader. No recess with your friends, no laughing, no running and jumping. Instead forced to stay inside, do math homework until your brain hurts with some evil teacher lurking over your shoulder ready to snap your knuckles with a ruler when you get one wrong. Our little plan was Peeerrrrrfect. That will teach her. 

So I felt pretty good about the way we had handled the situation, even if I knew exactly why she did it, and truth be told, I probably did the exact same thing when I was her age.

The following day upon my return home from Paradise, the clown meets me at the door to explain how she got to do math at recess, and she actually enjoyed her punishment.

So much for our mad parenting skills.....Who is this kid anyway???

So let me know Lifers about your Mad Parenting Skillz. 


Friday, February 4, 2011


Ok Lifers so here's the thing. Last month we got our water bill and it was unusually high, even for us being a family of five. So the DW and I somewhat discussed this trying to rationalize how we used so much water the previous month. And when I say we discussed it I mean, she asked me why it was higher, as if I was holding the key to some unlocked mystery treasure.

So anyway, the next few days I'd somewhat noticed the clowns bathroom toilet running. In my mind of minds, I thought surely this wouldn't be enough to cause that much of a spike in our bill? I mean after all it's not like it was a gushing stream or anything, not to mention, half the time I have to remind the clowns to flush when they finish their business anyway.

So in between my blog fetish, dryer fixing, winter storms, and all about me life, I sort of forgot about the water bill and the commode.

Until the other day.

The DW, during one of her errand runs, stops in at the water company to pay the higher than usual bill. Now I don't know the conversation that took place between her and the lady behind the counter naturally because I was off in my own little slice of Paradise I like to call work. But thankfully for me I did receive the cliff notes that evening.

DW: The lady at the water company says you need to use some food coloring in the toilet to check for a leak.

So immediately I go into defense mode, and start thinking, Oh so now the lady at the water company is bustin' my chops about the leak right?

To which I replied, probably in a not so nice voice. I mean after all I did just get Punk'd by the little old lady at the water company. Yeah I've noticed the clowns toilet running.  Now maybe I should have been straight up with the DW on this one. Truth be told, I did think there was something going on that needed my attention when we first saw the bill, but I really had forgotten about it, and I certainly didn't know that she would be discussing my shortcomings with every receptionist in town.

To which she didn't say anything. No, she didn't say anything, but she gave me that look. You know the one that says, so then why haven't you fixed it? So then why have you waited this long? So then why does it take Alice down at the water company to pull an Aston Kutcher on your back side before you do anything about it....Yeah that look.

So as we head toward another weekend, I know what I'll be doing. Looks like I better get some food coloring, and keep an eye out for the MTV cameras.


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Random Thought Thursday

Ok Lifers, here are my Random Thoughts for Thursday, Enjoy

  • The other day my DW decided to go get a massage. I'm not sure if I should be offended by this?
  •  What's a Snookie?
  • Why can't everybody and everything know what I like the way Pandora satellite radio does?
  • When does a grown man stop putting gel in his hair? 
  • I hope I never have Moobs.
    • At what point does it no longer become ADD and is called Alzheimer's?
    • Can married couples with kids be friends with married couples without friends? 
    • Do you think everybody would be skinnier if shirts didn't exist?  
    • How horrible would it have been if my mom could have sent my teachers a text when I was in school?
    • If I could go back in time and tell the younger me just one thing. It would be that MJ and the Bulls win 6 NBA Championships...Bet brother, bet.

      I guess that's about all I got for now. So let me know your random, snarky, quirky thoughts for today Lifers. I'd love to hear em.


        Wednesday, February 2, 2011

        Wordless Wednesday

        Ok so today is Wordless Wednesday. I know this post is pretty lame, but whatever.

        Kitty is hungry

        He got him

        Tuesday, February 1, 2011

        They have medication for that?

        Ok so the other day I log onto my computer at work, and see that I have some junk mail in my in box. This is nothing new I get junk mail all the time, and quite frankly the content was nothing new either.

        I'm not sure if there was anything to me receiving this mail on the cusp of Winter Storm 2011, but this is what I received. 

        Ok so I tried to format and crop it the best I could to fit and still be able to tell what it says. In case you can't make it out to well the e-mail wants to know if I want to act like a porn star? And I guess if so, I can take a pill to accomplish this.

        So I guess if I want to grow a terrible 70's mustache and call myself the Hedgehog, then this might be a starting point. But I think not.

        After I stopped laughing, I got to thinking, this pretty much is what our society has become has it not?

        Think about it. We take a pill, or have a quick fix for darn near everything.

        Need to loose weight? Take a pill.
        Want a better body? Have something enlarged, reduced, sucked or stuffed.
        Don't feel good? Take a pill.
        Feeling to good? Take a pill.
        Feeling depressed? Take a pill.
        Rowdy kids? Take a pill. Or give them a pill.
        Can't stay away, drink an energy drink.
        We have, present company included, become so dependent on medication, and the quick fix to our lives, our bodies, and our minds.

        Now I understand that there are plenty of people out there who need to take certain medication, and obviously I'm not talking to or about you. But we all know there are those out there who pimp the system. So why shouldn't the Viagras of the world not try to cash in on the get it now age we live in?

        I know this is nothing new, and that Viagra and Cialis have been out there for some time now but I just found it funny, and even more so now that we, as a country, are experiencing the worst winter story in history. Perhaps there will be a baby boom now because of this storm, and of course because people all over the country opened up their junk mail and took a pill.