Thursday, July 31, 2014

I'm Human, I'm Moving on, and Only God can Judge Me....

So if you're a sports fan, football in particular, you've probably heard all the news surrounding Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice recently. Long story short a few months ago he was arrested; caught on tape for punching his then fiance in the face and knocking her out in a Vegas hotel. Seriously people. He punched her in the face so hard she was unconscious.

So as part of his punishment his employer, the National Football League did what every other employer would do, they gave him a little time off. Two games to be exact. And today he was going to address the media. 

Let me first say that I did not watch or listen to his press conference. But I have a pretty good idea how it went.
photo credit


Yes I'm sure Mr. Rice started out the press conference with something apologetic that expressed the fact that he is, after all, human. He made a mistake. He's sorry, and everybody deserves a second chance. It won't happen again, he loves her... yada, yada, yada. 


Now I'm sure after he explained how he's just a man who made one bad decision and how he deserves a second chance, he went into phase two of the standard athlete apology. I'm moving forward. 

You know this is where he tells us how he's only going to focus on his sport and how he won't be taking any more questions about the matter after today because he's moving on. His family is moving on and he asks that we respect his wishes and move on as well. Let's just all put this little issue behind us. You know, like when your kid spills his drink at a restaurant or something. 


I think stage three is my favorite. Only God Can Judge Me. This is the ultimate get out of jail fee card. Basically he turns the tables on those groups that are outraged by his actions and the punishment that followed, simply by saying. Hey,only God can judge me. This is where he gets slightly defensive saying, you don't know me. You don't know what I've been through, and you have no right to pass judgement. And if you are passing judgement then you're the one who is wrong.  

Now look, I love football as much as the next guy, but the way this whole thing has been handled is ridiculous. Shame on the NFL and the commissioner for only suspending him two games. Shame on the Baltimore Ravens for not stepping up and saying this will not be tolerated on our team. Shame on all the fans who turn a blind eye to the fact that this guy knocked out his girlfriend. And shame on those who applauded this guy when he stepped on the field for the first day of practice.

But I guess, he's human and he's moving on. Besides, who am I to judge. Only God can do that....right Mr. Rice?

Monday, July 7, 2014

You're the reason I can't pee...

So today I was summoned down to the medical facilities at work for a random drug test.

I was a little nervous going in because of the blow the wife and I did on the fourth. But hey, we ran out of meth and pain killers, sometimes you just have to improvise. Anyway, so I head down to the nurses station, where there are twenty other junkies with cotton mouth twitching because after all it's Monday morning and who isn't Jones'n for another fix on Monday morning?
I fill out my paperwork and wait for my name to be called. I think, this will be a piece of cake since the vodka from my coffee was going right through me. I should be in and out in a few. After about ten minutes my name is called and I grab my cup from Focker, the male nurse, who's rounding up the urine and head to the can.

And that's when he followed me. Whoa hold up there sparky. I don't need you to hold it or anything. 

I have to be present when you go.


So there I am in front of the toilet holding this cup in my hand all the while this peeping creeper stands behind me trying to look inconspicuous.

Eyes on your own paper there Bub.  

Waiting......., waiting.... waiting......

You know I usually don't pee in front of someone I'm not married too.

Just think of it as being in the men's room and there's a partition between us.

Maybe we should talk about the game last night or something. You standing back there staring at me in the mirror is making me a bit uncomfortable.

We can wait ten minutes or so and let you try again. Maybe drink some water or something.

Look, It's not that I can't pee, it's that I can't pee in front of a man in scrubs for crying out loud. Maybe we could do something that was a little more in my comfort zone, like I'll go ahead and get started and as soon as the door closes you bust in like the boy does and ask me if I think LeBron James is better than Kevin Durant, or throw a fit because you can't find the Nerf football and it has to be found right this very minute. That might help me.

After nearly one hour and three cups of water later I was back to try it again. 

OK just fill it up to the line and anything extra can go in the bowl. 

Waiting...don't look at me damn it..waiting....Stop looking....waiting......Seriously dude stop watching me. What, you think I woke up this morning and thought, I better put someone else's piss in a bottle and tape it to my inner thigh just in case I get chosen for a random drug test at work. I'm standing here with my junk in my hand trying to pee in a cup and you watching me ...ahhhh finally.

Enjoy your pee nurse.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Hide Yo Shit....

So if you've ever seen the movie Friday then you know, or should know this line. It's Deebo, hide yo shit.

Long story short, in the movie Friday, the neighborhood bully, Deebo, is always stealing from people in the town. Money, jewelry, bikes, whatever he wants he takes. He rides a bike around town that squeaks which allows the main characters in the movie to know when he's coming down the street, thus, hiding their shit before he gets there.

The point of this family is Deebo. Yes that's right. I have resorted to hiding my shit. Now I'm sure you're thinking, WHAT? How could you? You're their dad; her husband. You shouldn't hide things from them. I can't believe you.

 But here's the thing, you don't know 'em. They never put things back where they go. So yes, I have a few items that I hide, like a pair of scissors, flashlight, screwdriver. Just a few things that saves me the trouble of yelling through the house, WHERE ARE/IS THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, because someone didn't put it back where they belong.

My ear buds, phone charger and cube are going next. Nothing drives me crazier than going to charge my nearly dead phone only to discover my chord has been stolen by the DW because one of the clowns took hers. I've been known to have "special money" too. That didn't work out to well though, because everybody know that if there's money to be found a woman will find it.

So tell me. Do you have to hide yo shit????