Monday, July 7, 2014

You're the reason I can't pee...

So today I was summoned down to the medical facilities at work for a random drug test.

I was a little nervous going in because of the blow the wife and I did on the fourth. But hey, we ran out of meth and pain killers, sometimes you just have to improvise. Anyway, so I head down to the nurses station, where there are twenty other junkies with cotton mouth twitching because after all it's Monday morning and who isn't Jones'n for another fix on Monday morning?
I fill out my paperwork and wait for my name to be called. I think, this will be a piece of cake since the vodka from my coffee was going right through me. I should be in and out in a few. After about ten minutes my name is called and I grab my cup from Focker, the male nurse, who's rounding up the urine and head to the can.

And that's when he followed me. Whoa hold up there sparky. I don't need you to hold it or anything. 

I have to be present when you go.


So there I am in front of the toilet holding this cup in my hand all the while this peeping creeper stands behind me trying to look inconspicuous.

Eyes on your own paper there Bub.  

Waiting......., waiting.... waiting......

You know I usually don't pee in front of someone I'm not married too.

Just think of it as being in the men's room and there's a partition between us.

Maybe we should talk about the game last night or something. You standing back there staring at me in the mirror is making me a bit uncomfortable.

We can wait ten minutes or so and let you try again. Maybe drink some water or something.

Look, It's not that I can't pee, it's that I can't pee in front of a man in scrubs for crying out loud. Maybe we could do something that was a little more in my comfort zone, like I'll go ahead and get started and as soon as the door closes you bust in like the boy does and ask me if I think LeBron James is better than Kevin Durant, or throw a fit because you can't find the Nerf football and it has to be found right this very minute. That might help me.

After nearly one hour and three cups of water later I was back to try it again. 

OK just fill it up to the line and anything extra can go in the bowl. 

Waiting...don't look at me damn it..waiting....Stop looking....waiting......Seriously dude stop watching me. What, you think I woke up this morning and thought, I better put someone else's piss in a bottle and tape it to my inner thigh just in case I get chosen for a random drug test at work. I'm standing here with my junk in my hand trying to pee in a cup and you watching me ...ahhhh finally.

Enjoy your pee nurse.

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