Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Best Gift I Ever Received...

Hey Lifers...

With Christmas just a day away, I thought I'd share my with you the greatest toy I ever received from the big guy.

I was maybe six or seven, I'm not real sure, but this was the greatest give I ever received.

It's a hand held electronic football game. It was pretty basic. The only thing you could see on the screen were little red dots. No pictures of players, no players names, no graphics. I remember playing this thing every waking minute I could. I'd curl up on the couch or in a corner somewhere and pretend I was playing out the games from the previous weeks. Yeah that's right, actually using my imagination.

Now I've received some pretty good gifts along the way as well, but as a little kid who loved football as much as breathing, this was the best, and unlike most Christmas toys, it wasn't lost after March. No way, I held on to this thing for years. It was by far the best gift I ever received.


So tell me lifers, what was your greatest gift...

Thursday, December 22, 2011

An Ike Turner kind of Christmas....

Hey Lifers...

So the other day, because everybody but me would be on Christmas vacation this week, I did my best Ike Turner and told the DW that I'd best be gettin' me some Christmas goodies this week woman. OK so it was probably more like, hey if you guys aren't doing anything this week, some cookies and stuff would be nice. But it sounds way cooler if I went all Ike on her.

Today I came home from work to a kitchen full of goodies. Her and the clowns had been baking and cleaning all day. There were peanut butter, gingerbread, and chocolate chip cookies. She made chocolate covered pretzels, baked pecans and a pan of peppermint brownies. Rooms were clean and beds made. I thought maybe I was in the wrong place. Naturally my original thought was, man that Ike Turner shit really works.  

So I did what any other man would do.....I pressed my luck....

Babe. You. Me. Let's do it....

So OK, maybe it doesn't work that well.


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Smarty Pants...

Hey Lifers...

So somewhere after being a rebel without a clue, and before being a father of three clowns, I decided I needed to go back to school. In my earlier days I had always been one of these guys who just knew higher education wasn't for me. After high school I went straight into the workforce. At the time, I thought it was a great idea. I mean, I had a little jingle in my pocket, and I was away from my rents, what could be better? Well, turns out dollar bills in your pocket is better.

Like I said, I decided I needed to go back to school and get my degree. When I started my little school adventure life for me was completely different. I didn't even know my DW when I started. And the funny thing about going back to school is,  the earth doesn't stop spinning. Meaning, life goes on. Jobs go on, bills go on. Somewhere in there you meet the girl of your dreams, you settle down in a one horse town and before you know it you've got a family, and still no degree.

But, as so many before me have, I persevered. And after many hours of studying, papers, and sacrifice, I have completed my degree. This past weekend I participated in my college commencement. As I stood there in line I thought about the journey I was about to complete. I thought about all the people and experiences along the way. I thought about the years gone by and how I've grown since it all started. As I walked across that stage, with my parents and DW in attendance the feelings and emotions were overwhelming. I finally made it. I finally reached that goal. It is complete..... 

So...Now What????


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Grudge.. Part One

Hey Lifers...

Now I know that we're all supposed to let things go, and forgive and forget. Or turn the other cheek, blah, blah, blah. Whatever....

But tonight I'd like to discuss what we all have in common, well at least what all us sports fans have in common. You see, just like every other sports fan out there, I too carry a grudge.

Ahh yes, the sports grudge. Now this grudge can be towards a player on an opposing team who single handily beat your team causing them a game or worse, a championship. Ever heard of Aaron F-ing Boone?

Sometimes though the grudge is against a player on your own beloved team. Some knuckle head jack-tard who makes millions of millions who couldn't catch a pass, hit a ball, or make a free throw that cost the team.
For me, I have two major grudges. Grudges that no matter how long I live, I will never forget, and never forgive.
It was November 19th 2004. I had been an Indiana Pacers fan for as long as I can remember. Most of my life they hadn't been very good, but things were turning around for this team and the franchise. Just a few years prior to 2004 they reached the NBA finals before getting beat by Shaq and the Lakers. And now they were building on that success and had a team primed to make a run at a championship, or two.

Until the Brawl.

The Pacers were playing the Pistons in Detroit on this November night. These were the top two teams in the Eastern Conference and were bitter rivals. The Pacers were ahead 97-82, with only 45 seconds left to play in the game. They were clearly the better team on this night, and it looked like they would be the team to beat in the the playoffs. Things were looking very good.

Then a fight broke out....

 A Pacer player ran into the stands to beat up some drunk. Fans rushed the court. Pacer players swung roundhouse knockout punches at anything that came close to them. Fans thew beer and cups and popcorn and anything they could find. Security guards were clearly out numbered for the mayhem that was taking place.

When the smoked cleared and the dust settled suspensions were handed out by the league. The Pacers and their players receiving the worst if it. One player in particular was suspended for the remainder of the season, nearly three months.

The Pacers and the Pistons both made the playoff that year. The Pacers without arguably their best player lost to the Pistons in the second round. The Pistons eventually lost in the finals.

Nearly eight years later, the Pacers and their franchise are just now recovering. They had to make trades and suffer bad contracts that have strapped them financially. They've had to clean house and rebuild. No easy task for a small market team with limited funds. And because of this rebuilding, house cleaning ticket sales have bottomed, and the casual fan has turned it's back.

Now I don't completely blame the Pistons and or those jack ass fans for what happened, but being a fanatic, I hope they never win another basketball game as long as I live. Yeah I'm holding a grudge.


So tell me sports fans, who do you hold a grudge against? What player or team do you love to see lose because they burned your team?  

Saturday, December 10, 2011

She's gone O.J...

Hey Lifers...

So the other day the clowns and I came home from Karate class to discover the DW all freaked out by a mouse in the house.

For those of you who don't know, we live outside of town, and by fields, so we get mice in the house from time to time.

So the DW is all freaking out and yada, yada, yada. So I start going into catch mouse mode. Then I noticed this on the counter...

Upon my puzzled look the DW said, I was gonna stab it?

What?....OMG I've married O.J Simpson.

Now  I've poked a dead cat along the side of the road with a stick before, but never actually stabbed another living creature. Not because I'm squeamish or anything, I guess I've just never been in a situation that calls for me to pull out a knife with a ten inch blade and stab something to death. Obviously, the DW has. I could understand it if she grabbed a shoe, a broom, heck even a brick for crying out loud, but the largest kitchen knife we have? Who is this lady Bear Grylls?

We did end up catching the mouse, and disposing of it, but I gotta say, that night I slept with one eye open.....


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

This is Serious

Hey Lifers....

First let me say, yes you're at the right place. I changed up the blog look a little bit. Hope you don't mind.

Now usually I like to keep this blog light and amusing. Or at the very least, I like to put out content that makes you laugh. Sure the laughter is directed at me, but that's OK.

But today I have something a little more serious. Actually it's a lot more serious.

The other day I happened to be on my local newspaper website reading through some news when over to the right of the page a link caught my eye. It was a link to the county sheriff's web site. I clicked on it and another link caught my eye. This one was to view the registered sex offenders in my county.

I had never been on this site before. In fact I didn't even know it existed. I was able to plug in an address and see all the registered sex offenders within a two mile radius. Not only was I able to get names, but it also had their picture, where they lived, and what they were charged with.

I plugged in my home address, and was relieved to find that none of my neighbors were listed. I then plugged in a business establishment I knew of that was downtown. To my surprise there were 72 registered sex offenders within a 2 mile radius of that address. I couldn't believe it.

72. And that's just the ones that are registered.

So I did what we all should do. I looked through every picture. I checked every address. And I looked at every charge.

I post this tonight for a couple of reasons. One, as you know, I have clowns. I have clowns who go to public school. I have clowns who go to Karate class, and are out in the community. And because I think we should all be aware of who are neighbors are, and who's living in our towns.

Now I won't defend any of these people, but also I don't know them. I don't know their story, and I'm sure they all have one. But I think it's important for us not only as parents, but as members of the community to be educated.

I encourage each of you to go to your county sheriff's website and look this information up. Find out if someone you know, or more importantly someone your clowns know is on there. You may be surprised. I know I was.


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Christmas Programs....suck

Hey Lifers...

So as if I didn't already have enough of the bah humbugs, tonight we had one of those elementary school Christmas programs. You know the one where your clown stands up there and sings some stupid Christmas songs while you search for a sharp object to ram through your eye just to get away from the old lady sitting next to you that smells of cheap perfume and stale cigarettes.

Yeah, one of those...

OK so maybe you're thinking, oh it's not that bad, or you'll cherish these moments some day. Maybe you're right, someday. But tonight is not, someday. Nope, tonight is pure and simple...hell.

Now for a father of two girls the pain of this night starts a few weeks before the actual event, with the dresses.

Yes, each girl clown must have a new dress. And this new dress must be accompanied by new shoes and of course some sort of sweater to go over the top of the new dress you just purchased for no less than a small fortune....are you starting to feel the pain?

On the evening of the event it is rush, rush, rush. Rush to get home from work. Rush to get baths for the clowns. Rush to get dinner done. Rush to get said girl clowns ready. Because you have to get there early to get a good seat right? So all this rushing around is followed by whining, arguing and plenty of girl sassing....apparently my nine year old feels she should be allowed to wear eye make up.

So now all this rushing around has paid off as we're only 15 minutes late and are forced to squeeze into the back of the gym bleachers next to that smelly old lady.

Now at this point the only thing better than having your five year old put a knee in your back while sitting in the sauna, I mean gym, is having someone else's five year old put a knee in your back.

Finally after listening to the third graders butcher Beethoven on the bells, and the choir chop up Jolly Old Saint Nick, it's on to a rendition of the classic A Christmas Carol, elementary style...thank goodness for smart phones. Yep...that's an hour and half I'll never get back.

And to think. I've still got five years of these things...


Monday, December 5, 2011

A Day in the Life...

Hey Lifers...

So I'm finally feeling better. We'd been fighting the flu, strep, and just about every other nasty germ thing over here the last couple of weeks. So for the last couple days we've all been back to normal, and because of that I thought I'd grace you with some of my random crap today.

So while I was ill the last week or so, I found out that no matter how bad I feel, and no matter to what degree I puke in the middle of the night, my DW will not come check on me. Apparently, according to her, the volume at which I hurl is very apologies Luv. The next time my intestines decide to come out my mouth, I'll try to keep it down.

I  realized recently that Ellen Degeneres has got to be the best white dude I've ever seen dance. I mean, for a white dude she can really cut a rug.

Over the last few years I've become somewhat of a scrooge. Don't get me wrong, I love the true meaning of Christmas. You know, getting the present. But it's all the other stuff that drives me crazy. Getting out the tree and all the decorations. Rearranging the house to make room for it all. It's just exhausting. Not to mention the crowds at the stores getting in my way and on my nerves. I mean for crying out loud, don't people have better things to do on Christmas Eve. Not looking forward to that.

So my fantasy football team sucks bad this year. Last year I lost in the championship game. Every week I was glued to the t.v and watching scores. This year, I've won all of 3 games. Now here's the kicker. Tonight on MNF I've got two guys playing and need 21 points to win. Not unheard of. And not only will I win this week, but I'll knock the reining champion out of the playoffs. So it's a pretty big game for me to save a little face. So I couldn't wait to watch tonight. However, because Dish Network sucks, my Satellite has been out all day. The DW called them tonight and the tech support, if you can call them that, says we can have somebody out on Wednesday to take a look at it.

Well of course you can.....

Then the douchtard says, so other than not having a signal is everything else OK? Now let me see if I'm following here. Isn't having a signal the whole point of having Dish Network?

Oh yeah I'm extremely happy with your service, thanks....

Well Lifers, I've rambled long enough.