Thursday, April 7, 2011

Hellooooo McFatty

Yo Lifers welcome back.

So today was just like any other day at work. Morning coffee, a meeting or two, followed by lunch. Nothing new, no big deal. No drama, no big event even to blog about. Until that is, I nearly lost my pants.

So after lunch I go to the bathroom, no big deal right? Wrong.

You see that picture to your right? Yeah it's a picture of the button off my pants. Yep, it popped right off, you know sort of like that Subway commercial. Now you know you're fat when the button pops off your pants. Now naturally as soon as this happened my quality instincts kicked in and I immediately began to inspect the button and determined that it was faulty, and this clearly is not a case of Dicky Doo.

Now maybe this is no big deal on any other day. Normally I wear a belt, and this would have covered up my missing button, but wouldn't you know it, today I forgot my belt. So I thought, if I can just make it back to my desk I could get some paper clips and make a makeshift latch. But here's the problem with that. With every step I took my zipper fell down, and my pants began to slide down my hips a little. So at this point I'm frantically looking around the men's room for anything that might help me keep my pants up. Yeah nothing.

So I go to the mirror, pull my shirt down to cover myself, pull my zipper up and decide to make a break for it. As long as nobody sees me in passing I should be ok. I'll keep one hand on my zipper and just play it cool right? It's the perfect plan? Wrong again. As soon as I walk out of the bathroom and head back to my desk I immediately see a girl from my department. Great. No, couldn't be another dude right? I mean, I know another dude wouldn't be paying attention to what I'm doing, and even if he did, he certainly wouldn't ask, hey what's up with your zipper man. But nooo. Instead I get a chick, and she's headed right for me. My mind races. Crap what do I do? What if my pants fall down right here on the spot? What if she needs to talk to me? What will I do if she says, can you help me a minute? Man this is going to be embarrassing.

Now luckily I was able to keep one hand on my zipper and get around the corner without making any real eye contact with her. She didn't need me, and she didn't seem to notice. Sweet. Tragedy avoided. So I get to my desk, make me a quick paper clip latch, and quickly put my jacket on again to cover up. I walked around the rest of the day with my jacket on hoping and praying that my fat belly didn't break the 0.45 wire gauge silver jumbo paper clip belt I just whipped up like Macgyver.
So I get home, tell the DW of my awesomeness, show her my belt making skillz, and explain that as of this moment I am on a diet. Her response....just buy bigger pants. That's why I love her.


So tell me Lifers, ever had one of these moments? Leave me a comment and tell me your story, I'd love to hear 'em.


  1. Been there. But I didn't fool around with no stinking paper clips. I went the hard line way. I stapled them shut.

  2. Coffeypot....Ouch. Don't think I'd putting a stapler anywhere around that area. But I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.

  3. Here's my story, and it's very similar (except I didn't find out until later)...

    One time in first grade, I was wearing between hot and pale pink low-cut Capris. (They were the kind that are a little loose anyway.) About midday, I had to go to the bathroom. I did everything one does to "go" (#1), and sometime between when I was going and when I stood up to get ready to wipe, the button just popped off my pants. Guess where it landed.
    To this day, I still don't know how that happened. No, I do not have a weight problem. In fact, in fourth or fifth grade the doctor told me I weighed too little for my age! My best guess is that my legs possibly stretched the button out a little, since back then my pants were at an angle over my knees when I went potty. Mom's guess is that the button was possibly not sewn on properly. Maybe both! (I think the pants were brand-new, if memory serves, so Mom's guess sounds rational.
    Getting back to the story...Now I had the button to my pants sitting at the bottom of the just-used toilet. I actually thought at first that it was someone else's that had been there the whole time (I had previously seen a penny in a public toilet before ever using it), and told the teacher, as it really bothered me to flush foreign objects down the toilet. (It still does. I am now a rising freshman.) She said to just go back to class and she would throw away the button. Like I said earlier, my pants were already naturally loose. For the rest of the day, I could not for the life of me figure out why I had to keep pulling up my pants! When I got home, I told Mom about my new pants being too loose, and she noticed that the button had come off. I then realized what had happened in the bathroom.

    P.S. If I had seen the button pop, I would have had an extra problem: the dilemma of having to stick my hand in pee to get it back.