The Best Gift I Ever Received...

Hey Lifers...

With Christmas just a day away, I thought I'd share my with you the greatest toy I ever received from the big guy.

I was maybe six or seven, I'm not real sure, but this was the greatest give I ever received.

It's a hand held electronic football game. It was pretty basic. The only thing you could see on the screen were little red dots. No pictures of players, no players names, no graphics. I remember playing this thing every waking minute I could. I'd curl up on the couch or in a corner somewhere and pretend I was playing out the games from the previous weeks. Yeah that's right, actually using my imagination.

Now I've received some pretty good gifts along the way as well, but as a little kid who loved football as much as breathing, this was the best, and unlike most Christmas toys, it wasn't lost after March. No way, I held on to this thing for years. It was by far the best gift I ever received.

J-Tony

So tell me lifers, what was your greatest gift...

An Ike Turner kind of Christmas....

Hey Lifers...

So the other day, because everybody but me would be on Christmas vacation this week, I did my best Ike Turner and told the DW that I'd best be gettin' me some Christmas goodies this week woman. OK so it was probably more like, hey if you guys aren't doing anything this week, some cookies and stuff would be nice. But it sounds way cooler if I went all Ike on her.

Today I came home from work to a kitchen full of goodies. Her and the clowns had been baking and cleaning all day. There were peanut butter, gingerbread, and chocolate chip cookies. She made chocolate covered pretzels, baked pecans and a pan of peppermint brownies. Rooms were clean and beds made. I thought maybe I was in the wrong place. Naturally my original thought was, man that Ike Turner shit really works.  

So I did what any other man would do.....I pressed my luck....

Babe. You. Me. Let's do it....

So OK, maybe it doesn't work that well.

J-Tony

Smarty Pants...

Hey Lifers...

So somewhere after being a rebel without a clue, and before being a father of three clowns, I decided I needed to go back to school. In my earlier days I had always been one of these guys who just knew higher education wasn't for me. After high school I went straight into the workforce. At the time, I thought it was a great idea. I mean, I had a little jingle in my pocket, and I was away from my rents, what could be better? Well, turns out dollar bills in your pocket is better.

Like I said, I decided I needed to go back to school and get my degree. When I started my little school adventure life for me was completely different. I didn't even know my DW when I started. And the funny thing about going back to school is,  the earth doesn't stop spinning. Meaning, life goes on. Jobs go on, bills go on. Somewhere in there you meet the girl of your dreams, you settle down in a one horse town and before you know it you've got a family, and still no degree.

But, as so many before me have, I persevered. And after many hours of studying, papers, and sacrifice, I have completed my degree. This past weekend I participated in my college commencement. As I stood there in line I thought about the journey I was about to complete. I thought about all the people and experiences along the way. I thought about the years gone by and how I've grown since it all started. As I walked across that stage, with my parents and DW in attendance the feelings and emotions were overwhelming. I finally made it. I finally reached that goal. It is complete..... 

So...Now What????

J-Tony

The Grudge.. Part One

Hey Lifers...

Now I know that we're all supposed to let things go, and forgive and forget. Or turn the other cheek, blah, blah, blah. Whatever....

But tonight I'd like to discuss what we all have in common, well at least what all us sports fans have in common. You see, just like every other sports fan out there, I too carry a grudge.

Ahh yes, the sports grudge. Now this grudge can be towards a player on an opposing team who single handily beat your team causing them a game or worse, a championship. Ever heard of Aaron F-ing Boone?

Sometimes though the grudge is against a player on your own beloved team. Some knuckle head jack-tard who makes millions of millions who couldn't catch a pass, hit a ball, or make a free throw that cost the team.
For me, I have two major grudges. Grudges that no matter how long I live, I will never forget, and never forgive.
It was November 19th 2004. I had been an Indiana Pacers fan for as long as I can remember. Most of my life they hadn't been very good, but things were turning around for this team and the franchise. Just a few years prior to 2004 they reached the NBA finals before getting beat by Shaq and the Lakers. And now they were building on that success and had a team primed to make a run at a championship, or two.

Until the Brawl.

The Pacers were playing the Pistons in Detroit on this November night. These were the top two teams in the Eastern Conference and were bitter rivals. The Pacers were ahead 97-82, with only 45 seconds left to play in the game. They were clearly the better team on this night, and it looked like they would be the team to beat in the the playoffs. Things were looking very good.

Then a fight broke out....

 A Pacer player ran into the stands to beat up some drunk. Fans rushed the court. Pacer players swung roundhouse knockout punches at anything that came close to them. Fans thew beer and cups and popcorn and anything they could find. Security guards were clearly out numbered for the mayhem that was taking place.

When the smoked cleared and the dust settled suspensions were handed out by the league. The Pacers and their players receiving the worst if it. One player in particular was suspended for the remainder of the season, nearly three months.

The Pacers and the Pistons both made the playoff that year. The Pacers without arguably their best player lost to the Pistons in the second round. The Pistons eventually lost in the finals.

Nearly eight years later, the Pacers and their franchise are just now recovering. They had to make trades and suffer bad contracts that have strapped them financially. They've had to clean house and rebuild. No easy task for a small market team with limited funds. And because of this rebuilding, house cleaning ticket sales have bottomed, and the casual fan has turned it's back.

Now I don't completely blame the Pistons and or those jack ass fans for what happened, but being a fanatic, I hope they never win another basketball game as long as I live. Yeah I'm holding a grudge.

J-Tony

So tell me sports fans, who do you hold a grudge against? What player or team do you love to see lose because they burned your team?  

She's gone O.J...

Hey Lifers...

So the other day the clowns and I came home from Karate class to discover the DW all freaked out by a mouse in the house.

For those of you who don't know, we live outside of town, and by fields, so we get mice in the house from time to time.

So the DW is all freaking out and yada, yada, yada. So I start going into catch mouse mode. Then I noticed this on the counter...

Upon my puzzled look the DW said, I was gonna stab it?

What?....OMG I've married O.J Simpson.

Now  I've poked a dead cat along the side of the road with a stick before, but never actually stabbed another living creature. Not because I'm squeamish or anything, I guess I've just never been in a situation that calls for me to pull out a knife with a ten inch blade and stab something to death. Obviously, the DW has. I could understand it if she grabbed a shoe, a broom, heck even a brick for crying out loud, but the largest kitchen knife we have? Who is this lady Bear Grylls?

We did end up catching the mouse, and disposing of it, but I gotta say, that night I slept with one eye open.....

J-Tony

This is Serious

Hey Lifers....

First let me say, yes you're at the right place. I changed up the blog look a little bit. Hope you don't mind.

Now usually I like to keep this blog light and amusing. Or at the very least, I like to put out content that makes you laugh. Sure the laughter is directed at me, but that's OK.

But today I have something a little more serious. Actually it's a lot more serious.

The other day I happened to be on my local newspaper website reading through some news when over to the right of the page a link caught my eye. It was a link to the county sheriff's web site. I clicked on it and another link caught my eye. This one was to view the registered sex offenders in my county.

I had never been on this site before. In fact I didn't even know it existed. I was able to plug in an address and see all the registered sex offenders within a two mile radius. Not only was I able to get names, but it also had their picture, where they lived, and what they were charged with.

I plugged in my home address, and was relieved to find that none of my neighbors were listed. I then plugged in a business establishment I knew of that was downtown. To my surprise there were 72 registered sex offenders within a 2 mile radius of that address. I couldn't believe it.

72. And that's just the ones that are registered.

So I did what we all should do. I looked through every picture. I checked every address. And I looked at every charge.

I post this tonight for a couple of reasons. One, as you know, I have clowns. I have clowns who go to public school. I have clowns who go to Karate class, and are out in the community. And because I think we should all be aware of who are neighbors are, and who's living in our towns.

Now I won't defend any of these people, but also I don't know them. I don't know their story, and I'm sure they all have one. But I think it's important for us not only as parents, but as members of the community to be educated.

I encourage each of you to go to your county sheriff's website and look this information up. Find out if someone you know, or more importantly someone your clowns know is on there. You may be surprised. I know I was.

J-Tony

Christmas Programs....suck

Hey Lifers...

So as if I didn't already have enough of the bah humbugs, tonight we had one of those elementary school Christmas programs. You know the one where your clown stands up there and sings some stupid Christmas songs while you search for a sharp object to ram through your eye just to get away from the old lady sitting next to you that smells of cheap perfume and stale cigarettes.

Yeah, one of those...

OK so maybe you're thinking, oh it's not that bad, or you'll cherish these moments some day. Maybe you're right, someday. But tonight is not, someday. Nope, tonight is pure and simple...hell.

Now for a father of two girls the pain of this night starts a few weeks before the actual event, with the dresses.

Yes, each girl clown must have a new dress. And this new dress must be accompanied by new shoes and of course some sort of sweater to go over the top of the new dress you just purchased for no less than a small fortune....are you starting to feel the pain?

On the evening of the event it is rush, rush, rush. Rush to get home from work. Rush to get baths for the clowns. Rush to get dinner done. Rush to get said girl clowns ready. Because you have to get there early to get a good seat right? So all this rushing around is followed by whining, arguing and plenty of girl sassing....apparently my nine year old feels she should be allowed to wear eye make up.

So now all this rushing around has paid off as we're only 15 minutes late and are forced to squeeze into the back of the gym bleachers next to that smelly old lady.

Now at this point the only thing better than having your five year old put a knee in your back while sitting in the sauna, I mean gym, is having someone else's five year old put a knee in your back.

Finally after listening to the third graders butcher Beethoven on the bells, and the choir chop up Jolly Old Saint Nick, it's on to a rendition of the classic A Christmas Carol, elementary style...thank goodness for smart phones. Yep...that's an hour and half I'll never get back.

And to think. I've still got five years of these things...

J-Tony

A Day in the Life...

Hey Lifers...

So I'm finally feeling better. We'd been fighting the flu, strep, and just about every other nasty germ thing over here the last couple of weeks. So for the last couple days we've all been back to normal, and because of that I thought I'd grace you with some of my random crap today.

So while I was ill the last week or so, I found out that no matter how bad I feel, and no matter to what degree I puke in the middle of the night, my DW will not come check on me. Apparently, according to her, the volume at which I hurl is very annoying....my apologies Luv. The next time my intestines decide to come out my mouth, I'll try to keep it down.

I  realized recently that Ellen Degeneres has got to be the best white dude I've ever seen dance. I mean, for a white dude she can really cut a rug.

Over the last few years I've become somewhat of a scrooge. Don't get me wrong, I love the true meaning of Christmas. You know, getting the present. But it's all the other stuff that drives me crazy. Getting out the tree and all the decorations. Rearranging the house to make room for it all. It's just exhausting. Not to mention the crowds at the stores getting in my way and on my nerves. I mean for crying out loud, don't people have better things to do on Christmas Eve. Not looking forward to that.

So my fantasy football team sucks bad this year. Last year I lost in the championship game. Every week I was glued to the t.v and watching scores. This year, I've won all of 3 games. Now here's the kicker. Tonight on MNF I've got two guys playing and need 21 points to win. Not unheard of. And not only will I win this week, but I'll knock the reining champion out of the playoffs. So it's a pretty big game for me to save a little face. So I couldn't wait to watch tonight. However, because Dish Network sucks, my Satellite has been out all day. The DW called them tonight and the tech support, if you can call them that, says we can have somebody out on Wednesday to take a look at it.

Well of course you can.....

Then the douchtard says, so other than not having a signal is everything else OK? Now let me see if I'm following here. Isn't having a signal the whole point of having Dish Network?

Oh yeah I'm extremely happy with your service, thanks....

Well Lifers, I've rambled long enough.

J-Tony

Happy Blogaversary

Hey Lifers...

I'm sure you've guessed by now, based on the title, that It's my Blogaversary. Well actually, my Blogaversary has come and gone to be honest. But close enough.

I started this blog, A Day in the Life, last year back on Oct. 21. At the time I really had no idea what I wanted or expected out of a blog.  I really didn't even know anything about blogs, or blogging. I was stalking, uhh, I mean checking Facebook one day, and a friend of mine posted a link to her blog. I clicked on it, read her ramblings and loved it.

Suddenly I was alive. I felt so close to this friend of my, whom I hadn't seen in years. But it was awesome. She was funny. Entertaining, and inspiring. So I thought.....Hey, I'm funny, and entertaining. I should start a blog.

Seemed like a perfect fit to me. And here we are.

So I've been blogging for a year now. Wow, where does the time go? Anyway, I think we've all learned a lot over this past year. We've learned that my neighbors are crazy. We've learned that I still don't like Sunday nights, and I scream like a little girl when I see a spider. What's that? Oh I hadn't mentioned that before? Well yeah now you know... Hate spiders.

We've learned that my clowns are smart, funny, and all around awesome. Oh and that they're ninjas that will karate chop ya. We've learned that I can't dance. Well I can, but it looks more like a moose walking on a frozen lake than dancing. So for arguments sake let's just say I can't. I'm ok with that. We've learned that I am way uncool. This too I'm ok with. I mean really, at my age isn't it just sad to try to be cool? And oh yeah, how could we forget when I pee'd in the ladies restroom. 

We've learned that my DW has a way of getting what she wants, loves Target, polls Facebook before making purchases, and when she loathes something it means I'm getting a new one.

I've also learned that I have 74 followers on my A Day in the Life Facebook page, yet only 21 blogger followers. And we've also learned how sensitive I am about having blogger followers, and how much it means to me. Now most bloggers will have some sort of give away for their blogaversary to help build followers and traffic to their blogs. You know something like IF YOU FOLLOW ME ON BLOGGER YOU'LL BE ENTERED TO WIN A FREE GIFT IN A RAFFLE. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO BE ELIGIBLE IS FOLLOW A DAY IN THE LIFE ON BLOGGER. CREATE A PROFILE AND FOLLOW. IT'S THAT EASY.

I'm just saying....


J-Tony

Am I my Brothers Keeper???

Hey Lifers...

So today I had another opportunity to do some traveling. Now usually on these adventures I travel by myself. But this time I was meeting a lady and we pre-arranged to meet early this morning.

Which got me to thinking. Am I really my brothers keeper?

I mean, do we as a society, as a normal people, have an obligation to take care of one another, no matter how small the task?

Now I know that in the bible it says that yes we are. But the good book tells us lots of things, but how often do we listen?

So back to today. Once I reached my destination this morning I called the lady that I was meeting. Now keep in mind that I was in an unfamiliar town, and it was pouring rain. It was dark and I was literlly standing outside on a downtown street corner with my hands full of junk in preparation for our day. No hooker jokes please.

I asked her if she was at the event. To my surprise she said she was about ten minutes away. Now that really wasn't the big deal. The deal was the way she answered the phone. The way she spoke. The tone she used. I could tell she was frustrated. Angry. She mentioned how the rain had slowed he down this morning and yada, yada, yada.

I politely told her that I  was on the street corner about two blocks away, and would go ahead and go into the event, did I mention I was carrying a bunch of crap? Anyway, I told her to give me a ring when she got in.

About thirty minutes later she calls and says ok I'm here. Where do I go, what should I do now? Again it wasn't so much the questions she asked, but rather the way she asked them. As if it was my responsibility for getting her where she needed to be. My responsibility to tell her, her every step.

We talked for a while and I helped her get to where she needed to be, all the while lugging these heavy things through the event. I had to walk up a flight of stairs, then down a flight after I figured out I was on the right floor to begin with. I even lugged these thing around inside when I went to meet her so she wouldn't get lost once inside.

A little later we headed to breakfast. As we get to the dining hall we were asked to show our credentials. Her response. I'm just following him.

In the beginning I was slightly perturbed that here was this grown woman whom I'd never met was just following me. Again like it was my responsibility to take care of her? Look lady I've got three clowns at the house that I take care of. I don' t have time nor the desire to look after you.

Then I got to thinking. Am I my brothers keeper?

I've always said that we are all alike. Probably more than we really like to admit. So maybe she overslept this morning and didn't get her coffee. Maybe driving in the rain made her nervous and upset. Maybe the night before she got a disturbing phone call and she hadn't really come to terms with it yet. Maybe she has financial issues her and her husband are dealing with. Maybe she just wasn't comfortable meeting new people, and wasn't comfortable in her own skin. Whatever it was I realized, there at breakfast, that in a way, in this way today, I was my brother's keeper.

So for the rest of the day I did my part to help her out and make her feel comfortable, in hopes that the next time we meet she'll be friendly and at ease.

Unless of course she's just a bitch. In which case I wasted my day.


J-Tony

Bag On

Hey Lifers...

So today I'm starting my Bag On edition. This is where I will dedicate an entire post to bagging on someone or some thing. In other words it's my gripe post.

I can't think of a better thing to bag on today then  Pennsylvania State University. Otherwise known as Penn St. But maybe more to the point, the Penn St. football program.

As I'm sure you all know by now, Penn St. has been the major headline the past week or so for a child sex scandal involving one of their assistant coaches. If you haven't heard then where the heck have you been?

In case you have no idea what I'm talking about let me break it down for ya.

Jerry Sandusky was a Penn State assistant football coach for most his career. He spent nearly 30 years at the University. He was an assistant and good friend to the winningest coach in Division I football, Joe Paterno. And he is now being charged with sexually assaulting little boys.

I'll spare you all the details because it's gross and pisses me off. But you can read the entire grand jury investigation online, just as I did. Just type in Jerry Sandusky Grand Jury in your search engine.

OK so now to my Bag On segment.

Jerry Sandusky obviously has issues. Let's take him out of the picture for now. If you've seen and heard the news, you know that over the years there were several people who witnessed these acts. And a few of them actually did the right thing and reported what they saw. The report states that another assistant coach witnessed Jerry Scumdusky with a minor and immediately called his father to tell him what he'd witnessed. After speaking with his father the assistant coach notified his boss, Joe Paterno.

On a few other occasions, the Grand Jury report states that other witnesses and a few parents notified campus police and the coaching staff about what they suspected was going on. Each and every time, nothing ever happened. Oh there were times when the University's Athletic Director and or School President told Scumdusky that he wasn't allowed to do that... Yeah No Shit.

How can this be? How is it that everybody turned away? How is it that this thing continued to get swept under the rug? This abuse went on for nearly 15 years with eight different minors. And here's the thing. I'm sure this creep didn't just decide in 1998 that he was going to start doing this. I'm sure this started long before then, and I'm sure there are many more victims out there.

But the most disturbing thing to me is how everyone covered it up. Coach Paterno, the AD, the President. And why?

To win football games..

Because surely when something like this gets out, that someone on your staff or in your organization, is a child molester then people will talk. Prized recruits won't come to your school. Boosters' checks will stop rolling in. T.V revenues will go down, and the head football coach might loose his job.

As it turns out people did loose their jobs this week including coach Joe Paterno, and at least one star recruit did state he's going to school somewhere else. The ax has fallen.

Now I see these moron Penn State fans on t.v expressing how they love Joe Pa. How they support their coach. How they feel it was wrong for the University to fire him. Paaalease.. This JackTard covered up a child molestation scandal for years..TO WIN FOOTBALL GAMES....

Now I'm sure there are people out there who say, well he told the AD, what more could he have done. Hello...He's Joe freakin' Paterno. He was Penn State. What he could have done was demand that this ass clown be investigated and or arrested immediately. We're talking about kids here people.

Joe Paterno, along with the entire football program, has an obligation to not stop. To not rest. And certainly not coach football until somebody does something to get this DB off the streets. I'm 100 percent certain that the same JoePa supporters would feel differently if it was their child.

I am a sports fan. I have my teams. Teams that I loyally follow through thick and thin.  But in the end, they are just that. Sports Teams. It saddens me that as a society we've chosen to trade football wins for children.

J-Tony

Random Thought Thursday

Hey Lifers...

Just a few random thoughts for today's post...

Ever noticed that you could feed a family of four for the same price as a bag of Beef Jerky?

I rarely wear matching socks. I figure what's the point?

I hate the fact that it's pitch black out at 6 pm now.

I love having clowns old enough to blame my bodily noises on.

I still play video games, and love 'em.

Yeah, I'm that Dad at Chuck E. Cheese.

Seafood grosses me out.

I find my DW's facebook rants annoying, but don't know how to tell her nicely.

That is all for now....

J-Tony

Growing up....

Hey Lifers...

So you know how there are certain points in your life that make you feel old, or make you realize that they're clowns are not babies any more?

Well we had one of those days this week...

See this has been the year that my oldest clown has somewhat transitioned from clown to young lady. Although she still breaks out in a full-fleged laugh-out-loud, crack up session when she passes gas, so go figure.

Anyway, for the last month or so she's been asking for a cell phone. Riiiggghht? Sure that's just what I'm gonna to buy my 9 year old. And of course because the oldest wants one, now my 7 year old wants one too. Paa-lease. So a few weeks ago the oldest asked me if I could put a full length mirror in her room, and lately she's been asking the DW and I if she could get her ears pierced. 

So after a little beggin' we decided she could put holes in her head if she wanted to.....Boy it doesn't sound like a very good idea when you put it that way, does it?

Anyway, it didn't bother me that she wanted to get her ears pierced really, my only thing was that it's one of those signs that my baby is growing up.

I guess it's bound to happen right? I'm just not sure I'm ready for it....


J-Tony

Happy Anniversary

Hey Lifers...

So today is a pretty special day for me. Back when I was younger, like most if us, I was a little wild. Its not like I was pulling a Frank The Tank and streaking down the street every Friday nights, but I wasn't exactly singin' in the choir on Sunday mornings either.

Anyway, I did a lot of stupid things back then and honestly didn't care much. I didn't care what people thought, or what people said. There was a time in my life that, looking back on it now, was pretty dark.

Then along came my DW...

I was given her phone number from a co-worker and decided to give her a call. We lived about an hour and a half away from each other at the time, so I guess we both figured it wouldn't hurt to just talk. We talked on the phone for a few months almost daily before finally meeting each other. I always tell everybody that we met on a blind date, but we did know each other a little by then.

We went out with that co-worker and her husband. We had dinner and saw a movie. Obviously we had a good time. We talked on the phone afterwards and spent weekends together. And eight months after we met, we were married.

That was ten years ago today.

I'm sure our family and friends thought we were crazy, and although they never said it, probably never thought we'd last ten weeks let alone ten years.

But the truth is we just fit. We don't always communicate well, and we don't always see eye to eye. Anyone whose read this blog knows that. But we make it work.

Marriage is hard sometimes there's no doubt about that. Lord knows she's not easy to live with. But its, she's, taught me so much.

So for all the grief I give her and through thick and thin, I'm so very grateful that things have unfolded like they have.

So today's post is a big fat Thank You to my DW for being the best DW I've ever had....

Love you babe...

J-Tony

What are Your Panties Worth???

Hey Lifers...

So I heard today that a pair of Queen Victoria's underwear were sold at an auction. Apparently these things went for $15,000.

What? That's a lot of coin for a pair of panties. I get pretty upset when a five pack of my whitie-tighties are twelve bucks. I can't imagine. Not to mention, what do you do with a pair of the Queens undies? And are they clean? Does that make them more or less valuable?

Here's another thing. It's not like they were a sexy pair or anything either.

Lets face it, it's Queen Victoria, not Victoria Secret, right? I mean c'mon, does anybody really think this lady is wearing a sexy pair of panties?

Yeah me either.....



J-Tony

My Uncool Moment...

Hey Lifers...

Ok so through the years I've been know to be a little scatter brained. You know simple stuff like driving the wrong way down a one way street, getting lost in a strange town, forgetting where my keys are. Nothing major, but things that definitely make the DW question my senility.

So this past weekend the DW and I went out to dinner. We went to a new place, had a great dinner and an overall great evening.

Now before I go any further let me give you a little back story.

My DW has discovered this Sims like game about cooking on her phone. Every down second she has of every day she plays this stupid game. I have no idea what it is, I just know she's addicted to it.

Ok so moving on....

So we go to this restaurant and we put our names in at the hostess station. I head to the bathroom while she has a seat and begins playing that stupid game on her phone.

I make my way to the bathroom. I walk in and head toward the back. There's someone in the first stall so I opt for the second. And no I wasn't doing the 2.

I start going pee. I know great visual right? Anyway, while I'm standing there, I hear voices. At first they sound like maybe they're out in the lobby. Ladies voices. Then they appear to be louder. Then suddenly it dawns on me. I look around...then I see something that looks like this...

OMG. OMG.OMG.....I'M IN THE LADIES RESTROOM....OMG. OMG. OMG. So I finish my business. What, I had to go.

My mind races. What in the world am I gonna do? OMG. I know. I'll text the wife and have her come in here and make sure the coast is clear before I walk out. This is my text:  Omg help I'm in the women's bathroom.

So I climb on top of the toilet and wait for her. She doesn't answer for what seems like forever. I'm starting to panic. What do I do? I'm stuck in the women's bathroom. There's no way we're eating here if someone catches me in here. Where is she? Why hasn't she come in here?

All the while women are coming and going. Washing hands, going potty, doing whatever women do in here. OMG where is she.

So at this point it's pretty obvious that my DW is either putting me through the best punishment imaginable, or she's playing that stupid game and not checking her text. I've got one shot. I've gotta just do it like removing a band-aid. Just open the door and go as fast as I can.

I make sure I don't hear anybody washing hands and make a break for it.

I manage to get out without anybody, that I know of, seeing me. I walk out and notice, sure enough the DW has her head buried in her phone playing her game.

I tell her to check her text, and explain to her what happened. Her response....you dork.

J-Tony

Leave me a comment Lifers.....

The Argument...

Hey Lifers...

Ok so last night the DW and I were fortunate enough to be clown free around dinner time. So naturaly we decided to go out and get a decent meal. You know, a meal that is served on a plate, has a leafy dish before the main course. That kind.

So anyway, we have a nice long meal and afterwards end up at ol' faifthful. That's right. Anyone who's been following A Day in the Life long enough knows that Target is the last leg of our clown free evening. We always end up at Target.

While I usually don't mind, because I'm an awesome husband like that, last night was different.
I was up pretty late the night before and only got about five hours sleep. So after dinner, I myself was more than content with heading back home and plopping my tired butt in front of the t.v, until bed.

But Noooooooo. She wanted to go to Target.

Now here's the thing. It might have been different if she wanted to go to Target because we needed a few things, and she knew exactly what she was after. But Noooooo.

You see we are getting our family pictures done next week, and we had to get new outfits...Two things wrong with this.

1. My wife is a professional photographer. People pay her to take their pictures. She is very, very good at what she does. I'm not sure why we are going to someone else to have ours done? Isn't that like a plumber calling Roto-Rooter when his sink backs up?

And  second.

WE HAD TO FIND NEW OUTFITS.

Which means she had no clue as to what we were getting once we were in there. She wanted to look. Ladies do you have any idea how painful this is for us? I mean really? Walking around behind your wife in the ladies section while she touches every garment of clothing only to decide that she doesn't like it. And if by some chance she does find THE ONE, she has to try it on.

So this is where I gracefully bow out and opt for the electronics. Which for us fellas is the only place we can escape. It's sort of like the garage of department stores. So there I am aimlessly wandering through the electronics of Target. But Target's electronics is more like a shed than a garage, and after going up and down the aisles twice I'm done.

Meanwhile my date has decided to kick this party up a notch and has taken 5 articles of clothing into the dressing room when the company policy clearly states only 3 items allowed. Woo Hoo...Again, only to decide that none of them look right.

Upon her return from the changing room I tell her let's go. Let's get outta here. I don't want to wander Target anymore. I think Brundon the Target night watchman has already been called to follow the suspicious middle aged white male in the navy hoodie who is clearly casing the joint.

Which leads to The Argument.

Ahh yes. All couples have this argument, and I'd say married couples with clowns have this arguemt more than anyone else. The arguement of what do you want to do?

So we get to the car and she explains that we were in town, and Target is right here, and we new outfits. Why can't she look? Because I don't want to?

So what do you want to do?

Now at this point I was too affraid to tell her that what I wanted to do was go home put my comfy pants on, maybe grab a beer and watch the World Series. But instead I say I don't know, but I know exactly what I don't want to do.

We continue The Argument inside the car. Why is it that we always have to go where you wanna go, I whine. Because you never wanna go anywhere.

Whatever...So now what do you want to do, I ask. Well T.J. Max is right there, I wanna go over there....Whoo effin Hoo. You can stay in the car, you don't even have to go in, she tells me. Even better. Sitting outside waiting on my date as she finishes up our evening. What could be better. Half an hour later she sends me two texts that she's in the check out. I then proceed to send her one hundred an two reply texts that say ok. Yep, thats right. One hundy and two.

 After yelling at me on the way home she's all like..Why did you send me all those texts...and I'm all like...because you sent me two that said you were on your way. And she was all like....yeah I sent you two, you sent me like a hundred. To which I was like...yeah I sent you a hundred and two. And she was all like why did you send me that many. And I was all like...because I'm a hundred times better than you...bwahahahaha.

Yeah so most of this post was written while following the DW....at Target

J-Tony

THEY'RE BACK....

Hey Lifers...

So I had a few things I was going to  post tonight, but then while I was screwing off, I mean working today, I came across an article that said Beavis and Butt-head were back on the air.

That's right Lifers, the boys who brought you the controversial Fire, Fire, Fire, and Frog Baseball will air all new episodes tonight on MTV.

Incase you don't know. Beavis and Butt-head are two 15 year old boys who are, unfortunately, like a lot of 15 year old boys. They make fun of everything and everybody, they are gross, and they are always trying to get chicks. Now the original episodes found the boys sitting on a couch making fun of music videos on MTV. Remember when they used to actually have videos on MTV? Yeah me too. So anyway, in the new episodes the boys will make fun of current MTV shows such as Jersey Shore, and 16 and Pregnant. You had me at making fun of Jersey Shore.

OK so I know B&B are childish. I know their morons, and I know that I will only become dumber for watching them. Or is it more dumber? Or maybe it's more stupider? Or maybe I'll get more dumber and more stupider for watching them?

Either way, I'm watchin'.

So tell me, did you watch the original episodes? Have you ever watched them? And will you watch the new episodes?

Huh Huh...Huh Huh..That's cool.


J-Tony

What I learned on vacation...

Hey Lifers..

So as you know we went to Disney World last week. We had a great time. We met the mouse and his wife, girlfriend, partner, whatever she is. We rode the rides, saw the parade, swam in the ocean and in general had a great time.

Along the way I learned a few things about my family. You know you tend to get to know people when you're in a van for 14 hours. Yes, unfortunately we drove down there. We had that van so packed full of crap that the Clampett's would have made fun of us.

So anyway without further ado, here are the things I learnt on my vacation. I know you ain't s'posed to say learnt, but I figured with the whole Hillbillies go to Disney thing and all I'd just go with it.

...I learnt that I truly am a Road Ninja. I drove 911 miles one way, straight through on the return trip. This is nearly a 15 hour drive to a mortal. However, I did it in 14 flat, stopped for lunch, hit the drive thru for dinner, got gas twice and peed. Yeah, I'm Batman.

...I learnt that my oldest clown discovered that sand does goes where the sun don't shine.

...I learnt that my youngest clown is torn between two lovers. Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean. We rode a Star Wars ride twice and the Pirates three times. And he'd have stayed in the gift shops all day had we let him.

...I also learnt that said boy clown would have been content to drive 911 miles just to jump on the beds in the hotel.

...I learnt that my middle clown is a princess through and through. Although I already knew that, so I guess it was more of a confirmation.

...I learnt that it is scientifically impossible for all three of my clowns to get along for longer than two hours while on vacation.

...I learnt that clowns do not tell you when they sort of have to go to the bathroom but rather they wait until they...gotta go really bad.

...I learnt that my oldest clown enjoys scary rides, and the other two do not.

...I learnt that a clown will spit in your face, if you're holding them in the ocean with waves crashing in on you. 

...I learnt that I, just like my father before me, managed to make my child cry on a ride at Disney. Damn you Space Mountain.

Speaking of crying.

...I learnt that for the Happiest Place on Earth, there sure were a lot of kids crying there.

...I learnt that the boy child thinks it's appropriate to scream/sing, This is How We Do it, over and over while on the crapper in the hotel room. Who knew?

...I learnt that all in all vacations like this bring your family closer together, and give your clowns something to remember for the rest of their lives.

...I learnt that I'd do it all over again just to watch 'em have fun.

J-Tony

 

Our Trip...

Hey Lifers...

So here are just a few pictures of our trip to Disney World. I took these with my phone, so they're not the greatest pictures. 

This is one of the Restarunts, T-Rex, at Downtown Disney

We went to Coco Beach one day. It was a bit overcast and sort of windy, but we were able to get in the water, and surprisingly the water was warmer than at the hotel pool. Here is one of the clowns on the Pier.

Again at Downtown Disney

Front of the Lego store at Downtown Disney. It's a Dragon made out of Lego's in the lake. Pretty Cool

Next day we took a Ferry into Disney World. You can see the Castle in the background. Again it was overcast, but it was almost 80 degrees.

Walking into the park

And of course. Disney World Main Street at the end of the day.

J-Tony

 

T'was the Night Before....

Hey Lifers....

So tonight is the night before the big family vacation. As I mentioned the other day, we've been pretty busy getting ready this week. And when I say we've been busy getting ready, of course I mean the DW.
She's spent much of this week getting clothes washed, and suitcases packed. But that's not to say that I haven't been busy this week my self. After all, I did watch three episodes of Friday Night Lights and three episodes of a new show I was introduced to called, The League, via Net Flix.

Which just so happens to be my new favorite love.

Now we've had Net Flix for awhile through the PlayStation, but I always just thought it was for movies. Little did I know that you can actually watch t.v episodes too. I of course blame the DW for not telling me that this could be done. She's always keeping things from me. You know, the little things that make life easier or better. Annnddd get this. There's a search feature. All this time I thought Net Flix was a waste because there was never anything good on, who knew..again I blame the DW for not keeping me informed.

OK so anyway, tomorrow after work we will set sail for F.L.A, and Micky Town. Both the DW and I have been there before back when we were little, but haven't been since. We can't wait. It's going to be so much fun to see the clowns have fun and see it all through their eyes.

Wish us luck Lifers.....we may need it.

J-Tony

Catchin' Up...

Hey Lifers...

Ok so we've been awfully busy here at the Palace the last few days. As you may already know, we're getting ready to go on vacation. A real vacation. Not a stay-in-a-hotel-in-the-next-town-over-for-a-night type of vacation. I'm talking Disnley World here people. I'm talking about taking the family truckster across country, Clark W. Griswold style.Yeah we're getting excited.

On another note, the DW and I took the clowns to an orchard this past weekend. Hubers. This place was huge. It's a family farm, winery with just about everything you'd want.  I knew it was a big deal when they actually had people directing traffic to park. We had a pretty good time. We all enjoyed actually going out and picking our own apples. I hadn't done that since I was a kid. And because we couldn't just have one bag of apples and had to get three, we've now got apples coming out of our ears. 

Shifting gears yet again. 

Over the past weekend we had another flavored coffee moment. You know to celebrate the moments of our lives? Anyway, my youngest daughter had a friend call her just to talk. What? they're seven. What in the world do they have to talk about? But anyway, her friend called her and they chatted for about a half an hour. The DW of course got a picture of her on the phone. This was the first time someone not related called to talk to a clown.

Just last night that same clown decided she wanted to send Papaw a text. Again, her first. Soon after chatting with Papaw she said, dad I think we need a phone.

Who does, I said.

Me, E, and L she replies.

Yeah that's what you need. Just the other day the boy was running around the house with a pair of Underoos on his head pretending to be Captin Underpants.....

Maybe we'll wait a few more years on those phones Sweetie.

J-Tony

Leave me a comment Lifers.

Star Lite, Star Bright...

Hey Lifers....

So like most of you my mornings are pretty regimented. I pretty much have it down to a science. I know, down to the last minute what time I have to leave before I'm late. I know, down to the last minute, what time I have to get up before I'm late.

I take no longer the 30 minutes to get ready. Eat your heart out ladies. I set my clothes out and sometimes make my lunch the night before, so that helps. I shower, get dressed, feed the cat and dog, fix one cup of coffee, thank you DW for the coffee maker, and I'm out the door.

My routine does not change much. Some days I may shovel a bowl of Fruit Loops or Frosted Flakes down my pie hole, but that's about the only change. Five days a week at 6 am.

For the last week or so, after opening the garage door to the cool sunless morn, I'm noticed a clear star filled sky. It seems picture perfect, and I say to myself, wow.

But time is of the essence, remember I have it down pat, and I don't have time to stop and smell the roses. So I move on. I get in my car and start my day.

But today? Today was different. Today I stopped. I stood there in my driveway looking up at the sky. I tried to find the big and little dipper. I pretended to know the other constellations. I marvel at the beauty. At the magnitude of how small we really are on this planet. In this universe. I'm amazed at how clear it is. At how the stars light up the sky. It's dark and cool out. The only light is a distant street lamp. My neighbors and family lay still in their beds. I stand there motionless looking up.

After a few minutes I realize.....Crap, gotta go. Gonna be late. 


J-Tony

Sometimes we just have to slow down and take a look around.

Like a Virgin....

Hey Lifers...

Ok so the Super Bowl is in my hometown of Indianapolis this year. And as if things couldn't get worse for the image of the Indianapolis Colts, with Manning being out and all, but now the NFL has gone and announced that Madonna will be this years halftime act.

WHAT??????

C'Mon Man.

Look, Madonna was cool back ten or fifteen years ago I guess, but besides kissing Brittney, what has she done that was relevant since?

Man, talk about a kick in the unmentionables. First the Colts suck and now our Super Bowl is gonna suck.

J-Tony

Name Your Price

Hey Lifers...

Everyone has a price.

Awhile back I posted here about how I visited McDonald's and they asked me to do something that made me feel very uncomfortable. If you haven't read it yet, just click on the word here, and it will take you right to it.  I highly recommend you read it.

After I posted about my little adventure, I received some feedback. A few people thought I was crazy. One thought I should have been arrested, and a couple thought good for you and offered support. I even had one person explain they just might follow in my footsteps from now on.

I thought that was pretty cool. I never claim to be a pioneer of anything but hey, if someone wants to do what I do or did, because it inspired them, that's awesome.

I felt pretty good about my post. Heck I felt pretty good about my adventure, about who I was and what I stood for.

A few weeks after this post my DW was on the phone. The person on the other end told her to let me know that at a different McDonald's, when they make you feel uncomfortable, they give you a coupon for something free.

Turns out my inspiration only goes as far as a fee smoothie. I guess it's better than a McRib...those things are nasty.

J-Tony

Leave me a comment lifers...

Flashback Friday...

It was the summer before 8th grade. My school would be having their annual 8th grade field trip soon. This year they would be going to Washington DC. I sooo wanted to go. Not because it was DC and the history and blah blah blah. No, I was more interested in the fact that I would be away from my parents for a week. I would be hanging with my buddies, and there would be girls. Duh why wouldn't I want to go?

Now like I said, I was about to be in the 8th grade and to me, I was the coolest dude I knew. You know everybody has a role in the click. The nerd, the jock, the guy who gets the girls, whatever it is, there are defined roles. And for me, in this click, I was the cool guy. Maybe if you talked to someone else in the group I was the loose cannon. You know there's always one of those in the click too. But anyway.

So the summer before the DC trip my mom worked out a deal with my aunt for me to mow her lawn to earn some extra cash. It seemed like a decent little way for me to work my way toward a week of freedom. Of course I wasn't free, but in my eyes it was a vacation. So I began cutting my aunts yard for 10 or 20 bucks, I really don't remember the amount. Anyway, my aunt would drive down to our house, pick me up and usually drop me back off when I was done.

Now this one particular Saturday I was home alone. My aunt was supposed to pick me up soon so I had some time to kill in an empty house......let me stop here.

If you have a 13 or 14 year old son do not leave them alone in your house if at all possible. I assure you, they will do something they're not supposed to...just in case you didn't catch that part....DON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE.

Back to my story. Now my dad was in the service back in the day so he had a few old rifles in his closet. I knew this. I knew that I wasn't supposed to mess with them. But, I also knew that my aunt wouldn't be by for a little while, so I decided to have a look see at said rifles.

I'm not a gun guy so I couldn't tell you what type they were. All I know is that you pulled back the chamber thingy where the bullet goes and pull the trigger. So there I am standing in my parents bedroom about to fire this thing. I was pretty sure there wasn't any bullets in the gun so firing one off wouldn't be a big deal. But just in case, I thought, I'll just aim at their bed.....their water bed. Yeah, I said I'd just aim at their water bed......

Now in all honesty I really thought I'd pull the trigger and it'd make a click and that'd be it. No harm no foul right?

Wrong?

If you've ever seen A Christmas Story then you know somewhat how I felt.
I take aim...pull the trigger back....BOOM.....

It was so loud. I immediately see the covers flutter. My ears are ringing like crazy, and my heart is pounding out of my chest. It scared the livin' crap out of me.....

OMG I just shot their bed...
.
I'm freakin' out. I put the gun back where I got it...What? OMG I'm deaf. I can't hear, my ears are ringing. Nice, I've shot my parents water bed and made myself deaf. OMG what am I going to tell my parents....What? Crap. I can't even hear myself think...

Now about this time my aunt pulls up into our driveway. I scurry around the house, get ready and leave with her. Scared to death of what I've just done, but I think maybe nobody will know.

The entire time I'm mowing my aunts grass I'm thinking about it. It's somewhat funny to me just because it scared me so much. It was almost rush like. A little while later my hearing returns, I finish mowing, and my aunt takes me home. I return to find my mom in the living room noticeably upset.

I ask her what's wrong, waiting for her barge of questions about what happened before I left. I'm prepared to duck and weave as I'm sure a few backhands upside the head are coming my way. I stand there patiently, maybe preparing some fabricated story in my mind, just like Ralphie.

Then she explains to me that when she got home she was doing some cleaning. She took the drawers out of her dresser and set them on her bed, and one of the corners must have punctured the bed because now it's leaking.

What? Could it be? Could I possible be off the hook? Does she really think she did it? Wait a minute....is she messing with me just to see if I'll confess?

Turns out she was completely serious. She believed she did it.....I was home free.........

Except I wasn't.

I ended up telling her the truth about what happened. Or at least about what I did, and what I believed to be the truth. We tried to put the pieces together. Did I really shoot the bed? Was there a bullet in the gun? Or did she stack to many drawers on top of the bed? 

Naturally my mom was upset with what I did, and I'm not proud of it myself, but she didn't tell my dad it was me. She took the fall. Maybe because she was afraid he'd actually kill me. And he just might have. Maybe she was just being a mom and protecting her child no matter how stupid he was.

You know, I'm not sure to this day that he knows. So just in case he happens to read this...Dad I'm sorry about the water bed back in like '86-'87.


J-Tony

Tell me Lifers...Ever do anything stupid that a parent covered for ya?

Put Down the Remote

Hey Lifers...

So this evening I came home and started my usual chores...yes she has me that trained. So anyway the clowns were doing what they do when I hear the youngest say: Hotwire dot com.

Which of course led me to ask the questions of what other commercials do they know catchy little jingles to. Here's a few of the ones they came up with.

Better ingredients. Better pizza. Papa Johns

You save big money, you save big money, when you shop Menards.

H.O.T.W.I.R.E..Hotwire dot com.

We. Are. Farmers....bom ba da bom bom bom bom.





Man....My clowns need to go outside...



J-Tony

The Last Meal

Hey Lifers...

So I saw today where the state of Texas will no longer grant death row inmates their last meal. You know for a long time any inmate who was facing execution could request, and receive, their last meal before being put to death.

Well it made me think. What would my last meal be? So I've put together a little list of what my last meal would be.....with a little twist.

Now I know there's no way I'd be granted my list, but heck there's no way I'd be on death row so I guess I can make it however I want. So here goes.

I'd like to have my dad's waffles. Yes that's right. When I was little every now and then my dad would make us waffles for breakfast on the weekends. Now I'm sure they weren't any better than anybody else's waffles, but they were something different, and they were from dad. Mom usually did all the cooking so for dad to make them, they were special.

I'd have my mom's cherry cheese cake. My mom make me at least one cheese cake a year. Something she's been doing since I was about six or seven years old. It's the best. I've had others, and none are close to moms.

My DW really is an awesome cook, she just doesn't do it enough. And from her I'd have the chicken rollatini that she made for me the very first time she ever cooked for me. I knew I was in love with my first bite.

I'd have my sister's pumpkin bread, because it'd remind me of when we were kids, and my grandma's apple pie.

I'd wash it all down with my aunt's sweet ice tea. Loved her tea.

So my last meal would be a combination of things that my family cooks from time to time. All these things would remind me of my life and family in my last hours. Although I'm guess if you've only got a few hours to live you probably don't need a meal to remind you of these things right? But whatev.

J-Tony

So tell me...what would your last meal be?

Pants are Optional...

Hey Lifers....

I walked into the living room tonight, turned the corner and this is what I see...

He's wearing a Spider Man hat, Iron Man underroos, sandles and his school backpack...at 8:30 in the evening. Oh and he's holding a sword

I just looked at him...His response.....What???

J-Tony

Tell me Lifers...Do you have a clown that marches to a differnt drummer????

The Kitty is Sticky.....

Hey Lifers....
 
Sorry I've been away for a little longer than normal. My extra time in the evenings have been spent, you know, doing productive stuff. Volunteering at the homeless shelter, rescuing kittens in trees, helping old ladies cross the street.....Ok whatever. I've just been lazy.

But let me just say that when you live in complete chaos, with three clowns under the age of 10, things can get interesting.

So last night New Pet, our cat, was hanging around me, and I notice he had something sticky in his fur. Now this didn't shock me at all. I've thought since day one that it's just a matter of time before someone drops their gum on him, sticks a sucker to his tail or tries to shave him. So this really didn't phase me at all. I called the clowns into the room and ask them what's on the cats back.

Now both the girls look at me with that blank stare as to say..What???

But the boy......

He knew right away what I was talking about. Now I won't be able to do it justice, but if you've ever sat and listened to a five year old tell a story you'll know what I'm talking about. Here's his account of what exactly was stuck to New Pet:

Well the other day.....well I didn't mean to.....the other day....the other night...when i was...i didn't mean to but when i was getting....i was brushing my teeth...and i had....i tried to put.....well i got the tooth paste on my tooth brush... no wait....the tooth paste was...hold on...dad i'm just gonna start over...

Ok buddy, just tell me what happened.

Taking a deep breath:

Well, when I was getting my teeth brushed....i got tooth paste on my brush...there was tooth paste on my hand and it got on the kitty.

Very well then. Let's get ready for bed....and this time leave the cat alone. Just a typical Day in the Life.....

J-Tony

Leave me a comment Lifers.....

New Phone...

Hey Lifers...

OK so the DW and I got new cell phones yesterday. You know there really is nothing like getting a new smart phone to make you feel stupid.

So if you've followed along here you pretty much know how things work around the Palace. If you haven't followed along let me explain.

See, I've said it before, my DW has a way of complaining about something in stages. First it's the occasional complaint. This fill in the blank doesn't work, or this blah, blah, blah sucks. At first is subtle and just every once in awhile. Just a little seed she's planted.

Before too long she's taken that little seed and made it grow into a strong complaint vine with deep roots. It becomes an everyday complaint that my double takin' jive can't penetrate regardless of my wisdom or antidotes. Because usually I'll try to help her fix the situation. You know by offering suggestions, or alternatives. I know, I know. I can take my suggestions and shove 'em. She doesn't want to fix this one. She wants a Neeewww one.

Next comes the final complaining stage. This I call the Loathe stage. Once the DW says she Loathes something, it means she's done with it. She's polled facebook, and we'll soon get a new one. No matter what it is. Period. And after she dropped her Blackberry on the floor last week and cracked the screen, she'd reached the Loathe stage.

Now knowing this you'd think that I would prepare better. After all, I know this stage, and I know she's going to ask me what kind I want.

What kind of coffee maker should we get? I dunno.
What kind of phone do you want? I dunno.

Both of these are legit questions to which I really didn't know, and truth be told, don't care. Mostly because I know she's going to get whatever she wants anyway.

In her defense, last week she calls me at work and says, what kind of phone do you want?
I thought we couldn't upgrade until December?
Well I talked to the lady Debbie at Verizon and she agreed to let us go ahead and upgrade now. I'm looking on line now, what kind do you want?
I don't know. Whatever. Just get me whatever you get. That's fine.

So we ended up getting the Droid 3. Of course I haven't figured it out yet, but so far it's a pretty cool phone and I think I like it much better than the BB we had.

Here's what the new phone looks like.

J-Tony


So tell me Lifers..What type of phone do you have, and do you like it?